Losing My Foundation

"My foundation was rocked; my tried and true way to deal was to vanish."~~ At That Particular Time by Alanis Morissette

For nearly a year after the attack I tried desperately to get my life back. I attacked every obstacle that stood in the way at break-neck speed. I was determined to show the doctors and nurses that I was ready to go home from the hospital before I actually felt ready. Once home, I worked on my criminal, civil and divorce cases with frequent e-mails and phone calls. I worked out tirelessly to get back mobility and strength. I got back to work in 4 months instead of the 1 year that was projected. I sold and packed up my former home a month and a half after leaving the hospital and moved into my own condo on New Year's Day, less than 6 months after the attack. None of this went smoothly or easily; everything was a tremendous struggle but I forged ahead and slowly began to lose steam. Ten months of scrapping and fighting and frequently losing the battle, I was exhausted and felt that I didn't have the strength to go on.
It was then that the words to Alanis' song hit home, all the way to the core. I was desperately trying to get back what was lost forever. Life as I knew it was gone for good. My foundational beliefs about how it worked was to vanish. The ways that I had learned to deal with life and people no longer made sense, yet I didn't know any other way. It was then that the light began to dawn. I had the wonderful and profound opportunity to begin again. I got a "do over", a fresh start full of new beginnings. I remember learning years ago that they purposely do controlled burns in a forest to promote new and healthy growth. And so it is with me, the parts that no longer served me were burned away to make way for new Life.