Our Heliotropism
"We turn toward love like sunflowers
and then the human parts kick in."
~Anne Lamont
Toward the end of our European trip, we rode the tour bus to France. I remember gazing out the window as we road down a long stretch of country road when all at once there were sunflowers as far as the eye could see; rows upon rows of enormous golden sunflowers. This glorious site went on for what seemed like miles. The sunflowers were at least 10 feet tall and every one of them was turned to face the morning sun; soaking in the rays and at the same time giving off radiate light back toward the heavens. I was in awe! A photograph could never truly capture the beauty of that field of sunflowers. That site captured my idea of Heaven- full of radiant light, always reflecting Love.
Heaven is where I want to live... all the time. That creates a dilemma for me. I have used the resources I have to process the attack and rebuild my life. Mainly, I've looked for the beauty and Love in this world. I've called upon God to "show me the love in it all." Like a giant sunflower, I've turned my heart toward the light and it has shown brightly. The problem is not looking for the light, no, the problem is allowing myself to see the darkness. There is always sundown, a good portion of every day is in darkness. It is the way of this world- light and darkness, good and evil, beauty and the unlovely- they co-exist and are part of the whole. That is where the human parts kick in.
"You can live in the light and still walk through the darkness when that's what this Life requires."
~Amy Frankl
These were the words offered by my counselor recently. This image instantly struck a cord and opened my mind to a deep truth. Living in the Light and walking through the darkness. These words teach me to allow the All of life to be as it is- I don't have to "rosy it up" to be okay. This idea comforts me and guides me through my fear of the dark. I am learning to allow my vision to adjust to the darkness, I will see what needs to be revealed and trust that the light is still there. Funny how long it has taken me to be open to this truth. I've been afraid to allow myself to experience the darkness in this world, afraid that if I allowed myself to go there I might never find my way out. What I've learned is quite the opposite, if I don't allow myself to go there by feeling my own demons of fear and anger and seeing the demons in others, I will keep on running. I will be haunted and dreading what might be lurking in the shadows.
From the moment that Bill held me down as I fought so hard to get away. From that moment to this, I have felt overpowered by him. I've sought inner peace; I've looked to forgive him. I was desperate to get my Life back. I've looked for the Love and the Beauty in it all. And, I can tell you it is there. But, "then the human parts kick in" I continue to struggle with heartache, fear and dread- dreading the day when he would be released from prison- and wondering how could I handle that?
And, now that dreaded day has arrived. Bill has been released to "transitional correction" until his parole date of May 15, 2016. My emotions have overwhelmed me, ranging from terror to rage and feeling utterly powerless. In the midst of it all, I (finally) allowed myself to fall into the dark pit of despair. I cried and cried and cried some more. I opened the dreaded plastic bin with all the newspaper clippings and documents I have refused to look at for years- Bill's confession, the police reports, the sentencing court report, the civil court report and divorce decree to name a few. I let myself look at all of them and feel the horror and sorrow of it all. I was overcome, literally, and couldn't function- I felt myself about to faint if I stood up, my head hurt so badly I couldn't sit upright, I couldn't eat because I was so nauseous that I knew it wouldn't stay down. I fell apart. It was days later before I realized that I was walking through the darkness that day- Life required it. I cannot move on until I allow the brutal truth of that horrific event to be seen and felt.
Here is the amazing part, since that day of reckoning, I have slowly felt peace creeping into my soul- not because I have willed it to be so, just because it is so. It started with a deep feeling of exhaustion- as if there was no fight left- but slowly it began to feel like rest for my soul. I have never seen the movie, Waiting to Exhale, but I keep thinking about that title. For nearly 12 years, I've been waiting to exhale- finally, I can stop holding my breath.
"I surrender myself to everything. I love, I feel pain, I struggle. The world seems to me wider than the mind, my heart a dark and almighty mystery."
~Nikos Kazantzakis (author of Zorba the Greek)
and then the human parts kick in."
~Anne Lamont
Toward the end of our European trip, we rode the tour bus to France. I remember gazing out the window as we road down a long stretch of country road when all at once there were sunflowers as far as the eye could see; rows upon rows of enormous golden sunflowers. This glorious site went on for what seemed like miles. The sunflowers were at least 10 feet tall and every one of them was turned to face the morning sun; soaking in the rays and at the same time giving off radiate light back toward the heavens. I was in awe! A photograph could never truly capture the beauty of that field of sunflowers. That site captured my idea of Heaven- full of radiant light, always reflecting Love.
Heaven is where I want to live... all the time. That creates a dilemma for me. I have used the resources I have to process the attack and rebuild my life. Mainly, I've looked for the beauty and Love in this world. I've called upon God to "show me the love in it all." Like a giant sunflower, I've turned my heart toward the light and it has shown brightly. The problem is not looking for the light, no, the problem is allowing myself to see the darkness. There is always sundown, a good portion of every day is in darkness. It is the way of this world- light and darkness, good and evil, beauty and the unlovely- they co-exist and are part of the whole. That is where the human parts kick in.
"You can live in the light and still walk through the darkness when that's what this Life requires."
~Amy Frankl
These were the words offered by my counselor recently. This image instantly struck a cord and opened my mind to a deep truth. Living in the Light and walking through the darkness. These words teach me to allow the All of life to be as it is- I don't have to "rosy it up" to be okay. This idea comforts me and guides me through my fear of the dark. I am learning to allow my vision to adjust to the darkness, I will see what needs to be revealed and trust that the light is still there. Funny how long it has taken me to be open to this truth. I've been afraid to allow myself to experience the darkness in this world, afraid that if I allowed myself to go there I might never find my way out. What I've learned is quite the opposite, if I don't allow myself to go there by feeling my own demons of fear and anger and seeing the demons in others, I will keep on running. I will be haunted and dreading what might be lurking in the shadows.
From the moment that Bill held me down as I fought so hard to get away. From that moment to this, I have felt overpowered by him. I've sought inner peace; I've looked to forgive him. I was desperate to get my Life back. I've looked for the Love and the Beauty in it all. And, I can tell you it is there. But, "then the human parts kick in" I continue to struggle with heartache, fear and dread- dreading the day when he would be released from prison- and wondering how could I handle that?
And, now that dreaded day has arrived. Bill has been released to "transitional correction" until his parole date of May 15, 2016. My emotions have overwhelmed me, ranging from terror to rage and feeling utterly powerless. In the midst of it all, I (finally) allowed myself to fall into the dark pit of despair. I cried and cried and cried some more. I opened the dreaded plastic bin with all the newspaper clippings and documents I have refused to look at for years- Bill's confession, the police reports, the sentencing court report, the civil court report and divorce decree to name a few. I let myself look at all of them and feel the horror and sorrow of it all. I was overcome, literally, and couldn't function- I felt myself about to faint if I stood up, my head hurt so badly I couldn't sit upright, I couldn't eat because I was so nauseous that I knew it wouldn't stay down. I fell apart. It was days later before I realized that I was walking through the darkness that day- Life required it. I cannot move on until I allow the brutal truth of that horrific event to be seen and felt.
Here is the amazing part, since that day of reckoning, I have slowly felt peace creeping into my soul- not because I have willed it to be so, just because it is so. It started with a deep feeling of exhaustion- as if there was no fight left- but slowly it began to feel like rest for my soul. I have never seen the movie, Waiting to Exhale, but I keep thinking about that title. For nearly 12 years, I've been waiting to exhale- finally, I can stop holding my breath.
"I surrender myself to everything. I love, I feel pain, I struggle. The world seems to me wider than the mind, my heart a dark and almighty mystery."
~Nikos Kazantzakis (author of Zorba the Greek)
posted by Becky Spellman Waltz at 11:33 AM
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