A Dim Reflection

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." 

~I Corinthians 13:12 (English Standard Version)

Recently, I had a dream that revolved around going blind.  In it, I had a friend who was blinded by something that happened to her.  One day, she could see, the next day nearly all of her sight was lost.  In the dream, my friend had a court date scheduled but she continued to go about her life as if nothing was wrong.  I was concerned about her ignoring the changes she needed to make to adapt to her condition and kept trying to help her.  However, this just aggravated my friend and she either ignored me or ridiculed me in front of our other friends which left me confused and frustrated. 

Then, as dreams go, I was the one going blind with the impending court appointment.  However, unlike my friend, I was in the process of losing my sight instead of abruptly losing it.  Still, I was concerned about preparing for this important court date and wondering how I could put myself together so I would look okay.  As I was walking along on a concrete sidewalk, I came to a fenced area with a gate.  The moment my hand touched the gate and I prepared to open it, I realized that my vision was impaired but I could see well enough to open the gate, walk inside and get where I needed to be.  It was then that I realized that the blindness that I feared didn't necessarily mean total darkness, maybe I would be legally blind and I decided that I could live with that.  It was at that point that I opened the gate and started walking up the steps.

At times, dreams can be messages that I send to myself to help me navigate difficult circumstances.  A few months ago, I received a letter notifying me that Bill would likely be released from prison soon (sent to a half-way house to reintegrate into society after more than 11 years of incarceration.)  When he filed a motion to commute his sentence a few years ago, I was thrown into a tail spin of spiraling depression.  At that time, I realized that part of my coping strategy had been to basically deny his existence- no Bill, no problem.  The idea of running into him at a restaurant or a nearby store was terrifying and incomprehensible.  I wrote letters to the parole board and Governor Kasich basically begging them to deny his request and give me more time to prepare.  My prayers were answered and I was granted my request but now the time has arrived- there is no longer any denying or avoiding it.

The question of my heart is, can you see your way through and be okay? 
I am the friend trying to help myself and, at times, I am that same friend scolding myself for not being further along this forgiveness and healing path.  I am the one muddling my way along looking for a better way, wondering if I'll be okay and surprised that I am here now feeling my way and still limping along.  I am the one quietly reassuring myself that, when the time comes, I will be ready to open the gate and enter this next phase of my healing journey.