Keep Knocking...

"I live my life in widening circles that reach out across the world.

I may not complete this last one but I give myself to it.

I circle around God, around the primordial tower.

I've been circling for thousands of years and I still don't know:

am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?"~ Rilke

This week marks the 4th anniversary of the attack and the beginning of making a brand new life for myself. I would never have dreamed let alone chosen such a bend in the road of my Life's journey but here I am... on my own "road less traveled".

The past year has brought some unexpected trials for me. For the first time in my life, I experienced full blown panic attacks. I was afraid of the dark and of being alone in my house. I began to live in my bedroom with the door shut and feared opening it each morning as I got ready for work. Quite a change for a fearless lady that never gave a thought to danger. It seemed to come out of nowhere and left me exhausted and frustrated with myself. It came on suddenly and receded slowly... just another part of healing.

I continue to learn that each wound will surface in its time and only when I am ready to see and ultimately release it. As I lay in the hospital days after the attack, I told family and friends that I would forgive this event and I set my mind and heart on doing just that. The definition of forgiveness continues to evolve for me but, ultimately, it is always about freedom from the bondage of bitterness. Surprisingly, the hardest person to forgive is still Me. In the past week, I am very aware of what was going on each day 4 years ago leading up to July 10th. What I realized is the reason that I relive each day- I am examining the events looking for what I should have seen and missed. And, you know what I have concluded? It happened and I couldn't stop it because I didn't know... period. In the most gentle voice that my heart can hear, I tell myself that- "you didn't know and you didn't do anything wrong so let it go, Becky. It is done."

Since the attack, I have not let myself spend much time looking at the basement scene- it's still so painful. A few weeks ago, I was laying in bed on a Saturday morning feeling that sense of dread and heartache that plagues me from time to time. In my mind's eye I saw the scene that has come to my mind many times in the last 4 years but this time I didn't look away. Instead, I saw myself sitting quietly on the side observing it all and, this time, I "stayed with me" so that I wouldn't be alone. I realized that the feeling that I have had so often of aloneness stems from a very deep disappointment that I have harbored against myself for not getting away. Today, I have decided that the time has come to rest and give up the battle in the basement. It is done.

And so, I live my Life in widening circles. The deeper questions resurface again and again but with each pass, I learn a little more and push out a little further past that which formerly held me captive. Who I Am and came to Be unfolds as I continue to circle the primordial tower.