Being Ordinary

"Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt- marvelous error!-
that a spring was breaking out in my heart.
I said: Along which secret aqueduct, Oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life that I have never drunk?

Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt- marvelous error!-
that I had a beehive here inside my heart.
And the golden bees were making white combs
and sweet honey from my old failures.

Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt- marvelous error!-
that a fiery sun was giving light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light and brought tears to my eyes.

Last night as I slept, I dreamt- marvelous error!-
that it was God I had here inside my heart.
~ Last Night As I Was Sleeping by Antonio Machado

In the '80's I went to see a movie starring Mary Tyler Moore, Donald Sutherland and Timothy Hutton called, Ordinary People. It is a story of an ordinary family that encounters tragedy. In this story, a couple has 2 teenage sons and one of them is killed in a boating accident in spite of the gallant efforts of his brother to save him. The mother was particularly close to the son that died and coped by closing down emotionally. I will always view that movie as one of those moments when Life uses the tools at hand to teach us profound truths about ourselves. I will never forget how hard I sobbed as I sat in a theater with my husband and another couple from our church. At that time, it had been years since I had cried but the message of that movie broke through the walls around my heart that I had so carefully and knowingly constructed years earlier.
It was less than 2 years into my first marriage when, one night, I silently uttered the words, "He will never hurt me again." At that moment, I threw up walls to protect my heart and spent the following years reinforcing the structure. I vividly remember the sense of relief that I felt at the time because I no longer felt the pain of rejection. It wasn't until I saw Moore's character so full of pain and totally unable to give or receive love that I realized that the walls I had constructed had imprisoned me! Seeing the coldness that masked so much pain felt like looking into a mirror and it was that clarity that immediately dismantled my carefully constructed walls... thank God!!

I feel encouraged by Machado's words as I contemplate my ordinary failures. Who of us hasn't thrown up walls of defense to protect a heart that has been wounded? Maybe it is our so called short-comings that ultimately make us softer and more tender toward our fellow human beings. Today, the thought that my weaknesses can be turned into honey brings sweet relief.