My Roaring Lion
"The labyrinth is thoroughly known. We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god. And where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves. Where we had thought to travel outward we will come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we will be with all the world." ~Joseph Campbell
"I want to unfold. Let no place in me hold itself closed, for where I am closed, I am false." ~Rainer Maria Rilke
Last night I was awakened from a dream by my own screams. In the dream, I was standing in the basement with Bill. He was silent and passive. I told him to go into the attic and find what I needed so that I could go. When he didn't respond, I raised my voice and emphatically told him to get me what I needed so that I could leave. Each I time I spoke it was with greater vehemence. I turned around for a moment and he disappeared. As I wondered if he went to the attic as I had instructed him to do, I looked again and he stood naked with a slight grin on his face. I then began to yell louder, always with the same request, "Go to the attic and get me what I need to go!" The next thing I knew, I was lying in bed next to Bill and he had his head buried in the pillow next to me. He was holding my wrists and I was unable to free myself from his grip. I began screaming for him to let me go and it was these screams that jolted me awake.
I have been struggling a lot recently with feelings of shame... a profound feeling of disappointment with myself. Everything feels so fresh again. It doesn't seem to matter that two and a half years have passed. At times, it may as well have happened yesterday. A couple of weeks ago, I learned of a letter that Bill had written very recently. The contents were regarding the divorce case but a statement was made that, once again, made it obvious that he feels no sense of remorse. I was crushed. I tried to be strong and logical about it but it broke my heart all over again.
As Bill held me down and methodically sprayed me with the acid, I asked him the same question over and over again. "Why do you want to kill me?!?" As I lay screaming in the driveway waiting for help to arrive, I was sure that Bill was inside committing suicide. I was certain that he was horrified at the torture and pain that he had caused me. It is beyond comprehension that this man that I thought that I knew could do such a thing and then feel nothing. Since that day, the question that reverberates within my heart and mind remains the same, "How could you?!?"
I have such a strong desire to put all of it behind me and be free. Feeling overwhelmed with emotions that I can't control leave me exhausted and frustrated with myself. Just the other day I realized that I am deeply angry. Anger is that one emotion that I do not allow myself the luxury of having... ever. Quite frankly, it scares me. I have not felt angry with God and I did not want to be angry at Bill. My goal from the beginning has been to find forgiveness and experience true heart freedom- no bitterness to tether me down. The only problem is that I can no longer deny the lion that rages within who roars, "HOW COULD YOU?!?"
As I lay shaking in my bed last night after waking from my dream, I knew immediately what it meant. The attic was my mind, the secret to what hindered my progress on the journey to freedom was hidden there. Bill led me to a new truth that I have not wanted to see. Becky can be very very angry. I cannot deny it any longer, it rages within me with roars to loud to ignore. I cannot close myself off to the parts of my shadow that I do not want to know. Every fragment of my being must be acknowledged. The lion will only lie down when he is heard. If I let any place in me hold itself closed, I am false. There will never be wholeness until every emotion, every feeling and every thought has been allowed its voice. And then, one day, the lion will lie down by the lamb of of the Divine love that resides there also and peace will reign within.
"I want to unfold. Let no place in me hold itself closed, for where I am closed, I am false." ~Rainer Maria Rilke
Last night I was awakened from a dream by my own screams. In the dream, I was standing in the basement with Bill. He was silent and passive. I told him to go into the attic and find what I needed so that I could go. When he didn't respond, I raised my voice and emphatically told him to get me what I needed so that I could leave. Each I time I spoke it was with greater vehemence. I turned around for a moment and he disappeared. As I wondered if he went to the attic as I had instructed him to do, I looked again and he stood naked with a slight grin on his face. I then began to yell louder, always with the same request, "Go to the attic and get me what I need to go!" The next thing I knew, I was lying in bed next to Bill and he had his head buried in the pillow next to me. He was holding my wrists and I was unable to free myself from his grip. I began screaming for him to let me go and it was these screams that jolted me awake.
I have been struggling a lot recently with feelings of shame... a profound feeling of disappointment with myself. Everything feels so fresh again. It doesn't seem to matter that two and a half years have passed. At times, it may as well have happened yesterday. A couple of weeks ago, I learned of a letter that Bill had written very recently. The contents were regarding the divorce case but a statement was made that, once again, made it obvious that he feels no sense of remorse. I was crushed. I tried to be strong and logical about it but it broke my heart all over again.
As Bill held me down and methodically sprayed me with the acid, I asked him the same question over and over again. "Why do you want to kill me?!?" As I lay screaming in the driveway waiting for help to arrive, I was sure that Bill was inside committing suicide. I was certain that he was horrified at the torture and pain that he had caused me. It is beyond comprehension that this man that I thought that I knew could do such a thing and then feel nothing. Since that day, the question that reverberates within my heart and mind remains the same, "How could you?!?"
I have such a strong desire to put all of it behind me and be free. Feeling overwhelmed with emotions that I can't control leave me exhausted and frustrated with myself. Just the other day I realized that I am deeply angry. Anger is that one emotion that I do not allow myself the luxury of having... ever. Quite frankly, it scares me. I have not felt angry with God and I did not want to be angry at Bill. My goal from the beginning has been to find forgiveness and experience true heart freedom- no bitterness to tether me down. The only problem is that I can no longer deny the lion that rages within who roars, "HOW COULD YOU?!?"
As I lay shaking in my bed last night after waking from my dream, I knew immediately what it meant. The attic was my mind, the secret to what hindered my progress on the journey to freedom was hidden there. Bill led me to a new truth that I have not wanted to see. Becky can be very very angry. I cannot deny it any longer, it rages within me with roars to loud to ignore. I cannot close myself off to the parts of my shadow that I do not want to know. Every fragment of my being must be acknowledged. The lion will only lie down when he is heard. If I let any place in me hold itself closed, I am false. There will never be wholeness until every emotion, every feeling and every thought has been allowed its voice. And then, one day, the lion will lie down by the lamb of of the Divine love that resides there also and peace will reign within.
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