That I Would Be Good

"that I would be good even if i did nothing
that I would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that i would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
that i would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if I was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you"
~ That I Would Be Good by Alanis Morissette

"KING, SAINT, thief, madman----
Love has grabbed everyone by the neck
And drags us to God by secret ways....
How could I ever have guessed
That God, too, desired us?" ~Rumi

The holiday season is passed and life moves on at a more manageable pace. In other words, real life sets in. The problems that we set aside in all of the rush in the last 2 months are still waiting for us. In my case, this means addressing the medical debt that has plagued me since the attack. The bills and collection notices began arriving soon after I was released from the hospital. When I called to explain that these bills were due to something that I was not responsible for and that I had insurance coverage that should take care of it, I was promptly told that the cause of the bills wasn't their concern, only the collection of them. I was astonished and overwhelmed at the prospect of dealing with such astronomical sums of money. I had always spent my money with thoughtful consideration. I paid off my credit cards every month and my car loans were always paid off early. But now, I was in overwhelming debt and could see no way out of it. Attorneys didn't seem concerned with the prospect of bankruptcy that I feared was inevitable. These debts continue to be my nemesis, my unbeatable foe. When I spoke with the hospital today, I burst into tears and cried, "I'm overwhelmed!!"
Sometimes it feels like too much. Although it has been more than 2 1/2 years, the insurance company is still fighting payment of the hospital expenses, the civil case has never seen closure and I am only now seeing that light at the end of the tunnel in the domestic case. Just today my divorce attorney told me that the divorce decree has been signed and I will return to my maiden name and begin to see the closing of the Becky Slabaugh chapter. As relieved as I am about that, I know that I am a far stretch from the finish line. I must face the reality that everyone wants their money and there is only so much to go around.

Today, I listened to one of my favorite Alanis Morissette songs, That I Would Be Good, for inspiration. I am seeking clarity- the clear sightedness to see the truth within the fog of my fear. I let go of the need to know how and when it will work out and pray instead, for the strength to rest in the knowing that I can be "good" with any outcome... a trusting that even when I feel overwhelmed, Love still reaches for me, pulls me near and holds me safely within its grasp.