The Icarus Message

"I tell you, I am in every flower, every rainbow, every star in the heavens, and everything in and on every planet rotating around every star.
I am the whisper of the wind, the warmth of your sun, the incredible individuality and the extraordinary perfection of every snowflake.
I am the majesty in the soaring flight of eagles, and the innocence of the doe in the field; the courage of lions, the wisdom of the ancient ones."
~ Meditations from Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch

"Die to the past every moment. You don't need it. Only refer to it when it is absolutely relevant to the present. Feel the power of this moment and the fullness of being. Feel your presence." ~ Eckhart Tolle

I went to the Social Security Administration office on Monday and waited in line to officially change my name back to Becky Spellman. It felt as if I had made a definitive step in my quest to regain my life. I am a nurse and hear my name paged and sign my name as Becky Slabaugh several times a day. Just saying "Becky Spellman" sounds a bit foreign and yet perfectly "right" to me.
However, as things go, the divorce has reached finality but the next important issue to face has risen to the surface. I received a call from my civil attorney yesterday informing me that the insurance company plans to seek subrogation of all of the funds in reimbursement of the medical bills that they have paid. Just to clarify, apparently insurance companies have the legal right to seek reimbursement of claims they have paid if there is a party that is held responsible for the injuries and subsequent debt. What this means to me is that the relatively small amount that was awarded to me in the divorce (which the hospital also wants due to unpaid medical claims) sits in the balance while everyone fights to take it. In the middle of all of this upheaval is Becky Spellman. I'm not going to kid you, I have felt shaken. That familiar sensation of a heavy weight on my chest and shoulders has returned. Fear has a grip on me right now. Fear and I have become quite acquainted in the last couple of years. I recognize its power to reduce me to tears and drain me of energy and strength. Fear is a formidable foe but I am an overcomer and I am also well acquainted with the I Am that lives within and thus I know Who wins every battle.

Last Friday, I went shopping with my mom and sister to a local gallery, Don Drumm's. If anyone isn't familiar, Don Drumm does beautiful sculpture using aluminum. He often portrays the sun with detailed expressions. I have loved his work for many years and always knew that one day I would purchase a piece for my home but had never found the "right" one. Before we even walked inside, I looked on the walls outside the gallery that are covered with many of his sculptures and immediately saw "Icarus". At the top of the sculpture is a large sun with it's eyes gazing upward toward the heavens. The rays of sunlight extend down and gracefully shower a woman with outstretched hands who appears to be soaring toward the sun with giant wings. It took my breath away! When I went inside, I immediately asked the clerk the cost of the sculpture and when I showed her my choice, she said, "Oh that's Icarus- she flew too close too the sun!" I remembered that nearly twenty years ago someone once commented that I was like Icarus and flew too close too the sun and decided that I had found the perfect sculpture at just the right time to celebrate my new life. It will hang above my fireplace and greet me every day.

I felt so "under it all" last night and decided to do a bit of research on Icarus and hopefully find a message of encouragement. I went on the internet and read about the story of Icarus. As you may know it was the story of a father and son who fashioned wings of feathers, string and wax in order to escape a city. The father told Icarus not to fly too low nor to close to the sun. Icarus became so overwhelmed and excited about the freedom of flight that he forgot the warning of his father and flew straight toward the sun. Of course, the heat became too much for the wax and the wings fell off and Icarus plunged into the waters beneath him.

Now, I looked for a message of truth and hope since I bought this "Icarus" for my home. I was drawn to it the moment that I saw it but the story of Icarus didn't really ring any bells of truth for me. It wasn't until this morning that I "saw" why I was so drawn to it. I awakened after a restless night and, as I first opened my eyes, l looked straight at the picture that hangs next to my bed that my son, Jeremy, painted for me. Months after the attack, as we talked on the phone one night he painted a picture portraying me with giant wings. The expression on my face is one of peace. Behind me is a large glowing sun and beneath me are piles of rubble. That painting has often inspired me because I seem to float effortlessly above the wreckage in my life. My wings are huge and the Sun's Light shines brightly behind me. The mess beneath me has no power, no reality. The truth of who I Am is the only truth that matters. That is my Icarus. The wings of my soul have been strengthened by the flames, not weakened. Rays of Love shine on me even when I have moments of awareness of the rubble of life. I have learned that you can't fly too close to the warmth of the Sun.