Big Brown Bear
"The heart is an unerring compass within each one of you. The heart knows the soul better than the mind does...
The only path that is right for you is the one that is already designed within you. To find this path you have to hear your own heart. There is simply no other way...
So listen to our heart. This is where your Light is and your truth." ~Emmanuel's Book I
"How about grieving it all one at a time."
~Thank U by Alanis Morissette
It has been more than 20 years since I had the dream of the Big Brown Bear. I have never really forgotten it, but I remembered it with new clarity the other day. In my dream, I am standing on a hill in a blizzard. I am wearing a long wool coat with a draping hood and scarf. I am dressed completely in black from head to toe. My coat and scarf are blowing in the wind and I stand alone. In time, I begin walking in the blinding snow and happen upon a big brown bear. He communicates with me without words but I know exactly what he is saying. He cannot make it to his destination alone and requests my help. This bear is enormous, at least 3 times my size and I am completely overwhelmed at the idea of carrying this huge animal over a great distance. His eyes are pleading and I know that this is something that I must do. It is not a question of if, it is only a question of how. And then I realize that there is only one way to help the bear. I will carry him in pieces and make the trek back and forth until all of the Big Brown Bear reaches his destination. When all of the parts have arrived safely, he will be whole and unharmed. And so, through the deep snow and the blinding blizzard I carried my friend one piece at a time and miraculously, at the journey's end, he is whole once again and we part ways.
A few days ago, I sifted through 13 years of memories as I went through the pictures and albums of my life with Bill. I always knew that one day I would face those snapshots of our life together but it has been something that I have dreaded and put off until now. It was time. However, I wasn't really ready for the emotions that it conjured up in me. Like the sadness and turmoil that I felt at seeing a man that was such an important part of my life who has become a total stranger. It is so confusing to have known someone so intimately and yet to realize that you never really knew them at all. I hear his words the last time that we spoke just days before the attack. "My love for you is limitless." and yet, not a shred of remorse for hurting me so deeply. He did not just devastate my body, he broke my heart. All of these thoughts have yet to find a place of rest within me.
But, it wasn't just the photos of Bill that were difficult. Seeing myself with a face unmarred and smooth skin on my neck and arms and legs... I have felt so profoundly sad again. I really hadn't felt this sad about the changes in my body for quite a while but the waves of grief washed over me once again and brought me low.
I went to bed with a heavy heart on Friday night but my first thought on Saturday morning was the Big Brown Bear. The message was clear- grieve it one piece at a time. And, as much as I don't won't to believe it, it may take a lifetime. I can only take each part as it comes and acknowledge its truth. And then I remembered that I can trust the compass of my heart to lead me safely home and at the journey's end, I will surely be whole.
The only path that is right for you is the one that is already designed within you. To find this path you have to hear your own heart. There is simply no other way...
So listen to our heart. This is where your Light is and your truth." ~Emmanuel's Book I
"How about grieving it all one at a time."
~Thank U by Alanis Morissette
It has been more than 20 years since I had the dream of the Big Brown Bear. I have never really forgotten it, but I remembered it with new clarity the other day. In my dream, I am standing on a hill in a blizzard. I am wearing a long wool coat with a draping hood and scarf. I am dressed completely in black from head to toe. My coat and scarf are blowing in the wind and I stand alone. In time, I begin walking in the blinding snow and happen upon a big brown bear. He communicates with me without words but I know exactly what he is saying. He cannot make it to his destination alone and requests my help. This bear is enormous, at least 3 times my size and I am completely overwhelmed at the idea of carrying this huge animal over a great distance. His eyes are pleading and I know that this is something that I must do. It is not a question of if, it is only a question of how. And then I realize that there is only one way to help the bear. I will carry him in pieces and make the trek back and forth until all of the Big Brown Bear reaches his destination. When all of the parts have arrived safely, he will be whole and unharmed. And so, through the deep snow and the blinding blizzard I carried my friend one piece at a time and miraculously, at the journey's end, he is whole once again and we part ways.
A few days ago, I sifted through 13 years of memories as I went through the pictures and albums of my life with Bill. I always knew that one day I would face those snapshots of our life together but it has been something that I have dreaded and put off until now. It was time. However, I wasn't really ready for the emotions that it conjured up in me. Like the sadness and turmoil that I felt at seeing a man that was such an important part of my life who has become a total stranger. It is so confusing to have known someone so intimately and yet to realize that you never really knew them at all. I hear his words the last time that we spoke just days before the attack. "My love for you is limitless." and yet, not a shred of remorse for hurting me so deeply. He did not just devastate my body, he broke my heart. All of these thoughts have yet to find a place of rest within me.
But, it wasn't just the photos of Bill that were difficult. Seeing myself with a face unmarred and smooth skin on my neck and arms and legs... I have felt so profoundly sad again. I really hadn't felt this sad about the changes in my body for quite a while but the waves of grief washed over me once again and brought me low.
I went to bed with a heavy heart on Friday night but my first thought on Saturday morning was the Big Brown Bear. The message was clear- grieve it one piece at a time. And, as much as I don't won't to believe it, it may take a lifetime. I can only take each part as it comes and acknowledge its truth. And then I remembered that I can trust the compass of my heart to lead me safely home and at the journey's end, I will surely be whole.
posted by Becky Spellman Waltz at 7:06 PM
2 Comments:
What a powerful dream!... a metaphor for life, really. The only way to arrive at our "destination" is piece by piece. This journey usually occurs during a "blizzard," when we can't see ahead of us.
Love ya, mom. ~Er
I say go to Myrtle Beach and treat yourself to a nice, week long stay in our condo.
Your Fan - Kelly
Kelly and Darlene Rhode
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