Befriending Anger~

"Every moment, we are reborn."~ Bob Waltz

"... I learned that if I gave up thinking or needing or wanting or judging and just showed up with an open heart willing to experience and participate in whatever might present itself, magic would happen." ~ "Cool Mind Warm Heart" Steve Roberts

Well, 5 years have passed since the attack. I've healed in remarkable ways, however, I have a a long way to go in the department of anger. Only recently, I have discovered that the ongoing pain in my gut has something to do with unresolved anger. The question is, How Do I Let Go of IT?

About 3 years ago I started having a lot of problems with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I have tried everything I can think of and the symptoms won't budge. I have been tested, detoxed, prayed, meditated, medicated and so on and so on, but, nothing brings lasting relief. In fact, here I am on vacation in beautiful Michigan and I'm suffering. What am I supposed to do?

Most recently, I have been trained in the first degree of Reiki. As I understand it, Reiki means Universal Energy. It has been used for centuries as a means of healing using focused attentiveness on the power of universal energy with the intent of healing. And you know what? I have gotten worse!! Now, in all fairness, I was warned that things may get worse before they get better since Reiki heals by raising to consciousness hidden painful places but where, when and how is relief going to come?!?

The fact remains, I don't know what exactly to do with my new found knowledge that I have left the rage that I feel hidden, tucked away and not felt. Apparently, I have to FEEL it to release it. It makes logical sense to me now, but what exactly will bring "the demons" out?!? Please understand me, intellectually I know that anger is an emotion and, of course, it isn't morally wrong. However, somewhere along the way I have decided that it was unacceptable for an "enlightened one" to feel such a base instinct. Even as I write this, I see the absurdity of it all. Of course I'm angry, outraged really that another human being would set out to destroy me and, in the process, nearly kill me! But, if I am really honest, the word outrage hits me strangely. In fact, the problem is, I haven't been outraged at all. If anything, I've been "inraged". Keeping it tucked away where it wouldn't hurt anyone. Well, guess what? It's hurting me!

So, here I am, this beautiful morning, sitting in a cabin on a lake (my idea of heaven) feeling helpless. I have thought of a few tangible ways to express it without harming others. I'm considering writing a letter to Bill filled with the deep painful angry darkness that I feel toward him, not to deliver of course, as he would not feel a thing- another insane part of it all. It has become glaringly apparent that he feels not a shred of remorse. His nasty sarcastic letters to my attorney and friends make it obvious that he feels no sorrow about nearly burning someone he professed to love half to death. In fact, he seems to hold onto the fact that he was the innocent victim of, in his words, "limitless love" that I had the audacity to leave. Sick!!!

I have experienced, I mean felt deeply, sadness and terror. For some reason, anger is the one thing that hasn't found its way out. In the first several months after the attack, I had an intense desire to go into a deep woods and scream until I couldn't scream anymore. As I hear myself verbalize my idea of release, I realize that I wanted to keep such an ugly emotion away from anyone else. Maybe I was uninformed about that. Maybe, like my grief and fear, it is meant to be shared to be healed. I don't know, all I know is that it must be released so that I can experience a greater degree of healing. Maybe I'm finally ready to let go of what tethers me to it all. Just maybe I can feel it and some day, let it float away like a big black helium balloon floating away and carrying with it, my darkest places.

Just this afternoon, as I was floating along in a bass boat on Intermediate Lake, I decided to lay down and breath in the expansive energy of the great outdoors. I contemplated Steve Roberts words and let them wash over my feelings of anger. I decided to give up thinking or needing or wanting or judging and just show up" to hear what anger had to say . Somehow, I began to see anger in a whole new light. When did I decide that anger was "bad" or that I was wrong to feel it? Anger is nothing more than an emotion, albeit a powerful one, but an emotion just the same. In fact, the beauty of anger lies in her power- the power to rise up and fight against injustice. I fought and clawed like a wild animal during the attack. As I reflect on that, I realized that it was the combination of terror and anger that saved me. I began to see anger as my protector. By locking her up and refusing to hear her clear voice, I have missed out on a very important part of my healing. Thankfully, anger is even more powerful than denial because she screamed until I heard her pleas for release. As always, when we are ready to hear our own truth, it reveals itself to us.

I have been reminded by my dearest and sweetest friend, Bob, that "every moment, we are reborn". And, as of this moment, I have renewed my friendship with anger. I will allow her to speak and I am finally listening. This day has given me the grace to reclaim another part of Becky and revel in the knowledge that wholeness means just that- I will reclaim every part of myself in the journey of becoming.