Unrecognizable to Myself

"I was bruised and battered, I couldn't tell what I felt.
I was unrecognizable to myself.
I saw my reflection in a window, I didn't know my own face.
Oh brother are you gonna leave me wastin' away...

I walked the avenue, 'til my legs felt like stone,
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone,
At night I could hear the blood in my veins,
Black and whispering as the rain...

Ain't no angel gonna greet me.
It's just you and I my friend.
My clothes don't fit me no more,
I walked a thousand miles
Just to slip this skin."

~Streets of Philadelphia by Bruce Springsteen

 

More than 11 years have passed and I'm still fighting demons, still wrestling with old fears and rages and brokenness.  If anyone would've told me that I'd be here now, I'd have laughed out loud and said, "You don't know me, I'm scrappy; I've set my heart on forgiveness; I look for Love and always find it." sigh...

But, here I am- bruised and battered, my legs feel like stone.  I'm tired.  The energy it takes to keep it all together, to quiet the screaming in my head and the searing pain in my heart, is vanished and gone. 

Recently, I had a dream.  I was standing on the concrete beside our old pool.  The pool water was crystal clear and it was a bright sunny day.  I looked around me and saw several groups of turtles.  Each group had a distinct shape and markings on their shell but they all had one thing in common- they were all laying on their back and appeared to be dead.  I then found myself reaching out my arm above one of the groups of turtles and they immediately flipped over onto their belly, stuck out their head and legs and started quickly crawling toward the pool.  Once there, they dove in and began swimming with great speed and agility through the water.  I proceeded to extend my hand over each group as they followed closely behind the last group.  This continued until every turtle was swimming around the pool.  It was really an extraordinary site- joyful and beautiful.

The next thing I knew, the entire bottom of the pool was covered in turtle "do" and my little girl (she appeared about 5) started walking around the bottom of the pool.  Just happily wading through the turtle poop.  I had little concern about it because she seemed happy.  My only thought was that I just hoped she wouldn't breath it in.

Dreams can be powerful tools to guide me along as I traverse this life.  I had this dream a week ago and it keeps coming up for me.  A little light to break through the fog that is my mind.  Not too long ago, I decided that my urge to scream was an indication that my pain body needed attention.  I prayed, "God, please bring me someone who can help me.  I don't know what to do with all of this mess!"  God, said, "Yes!" and I found myself back in a therapist's chair pouring my heart out.  Fortunately, there was an angel to greet me.  My clothes don't fit me no more...