No Holding Back
"I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.
If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.
Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
in the open sea."
~Rilke's Book of Hours; Love Poems to God
In 1988 I was living in Marietta, Georgia. I had spent the last 15 years in a marriage that was anything but supportive and fulfilling. In fact, in retrospect that relationship had never been built on mutual love and respect. We were married a year and a half when my first child and only son was born. We were both over the moon in love with our sweet little boy but our relationship was painful and weak, not solid and true like I dreamt marriage would be. By the time Jeremy was 2 1/2 years, we added 2 beautiful baby girls to our family- Erin and Lauren, born 14 months apart. My three babies were the light of my life. I focused my heart and prayers on becoming the "perfect" wife and mother- surely this was God's desire for me; surely God would "honor" my prayer for a loving Christian family!
We had been living in Georgia for 2 years. A lot changed in those short years. I remember driving down the street in my minivan on a warm sunny day when I looked up and caught site of a soaring hawk. What a site! I immediately felt connected to that giant bird with outstretched wings floating effortlessly through the sky- so beautiful and strong. In my soul, there rose up a Yes!, a That's It! I realized that I had been working for so many years at being the "right" woman, the woman I thought I should be; it required a lot of effort- the opposite of no forcing and no holding back. I was 33 years old and wishing that life would hurry up and get over with already. I was exhausted... tired of working so hard to be someone other than Becky. But, gazing upward at that majestic powerful bird, I knew in an instant that I must stop the desperation and somehow learn to Live life freely.
Without realizing it, in that moment, my world shifted on its axis and I would never be the same. I couldn't keep damming up my emotions; I couldn't keep avoiding the truth of our broken marriage and wounded family. My contriving (prayer/begging God/years of counseling/contorting myself) would not, could not change the reality of the mess that was my marriage- not at all the holy union of souls that I had dared to wish for. I soon had the revelation that I had done enough. I told my husband, "If you cannot accept me and love me as I am, I will have to leave. I deserve to be treated as well as I treat you. I'm not perfect but I am good enough to be loved." It was another year and a half before I filed for divorce. There were still stubborn roots of guilt and fear, vestiges of my old beliefs that held me back but once the dam started to crumble and the waters began streaming through, there was no stopping the flow of Life.
Today, nearly 30 years later, I continue to learn to free what waits within me, springing clear and flowing like a river, streaming through widening channels...
Amen
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.
If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.
Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
in the open sea."
~Rilke's Book of Hours; Love Poems to God
In 1988 I was living in Marietta, Georgia. I had spent the last 15 years in a marriage that was anything but supportive and fulfilling. In fact, in retrospect that relationship had never been built on mutual love and respect. We were married a year and a half when my first child and only son was born. We were both over the moon in love with our sweet little boy but our relationship was painful and weak, not solid and true like I dreamt marriage would be. By the time Jeremy was 2 1/2 years, we added 2 beautiful baby girls to our family- Erin and Lauren, born 14 months apart. My three babies were the light of my life. I focused my heart and prayers on becoming the "perfect" wife and mother- surely this was God's desire for me; surely God would "honor" my prayer for a loving Christian family!
We had been living in Georgia for 2 years. A lot changed in those short years. I remember driving down the street in my minivan on a warm sunny day when I looked up and caught site of a soaring hawk. What a site! I immediately felt connected to that giant bird with outstretched wings floating effortlessly through the sky- so beautiful and strong. In my soul, there rose up a Yes!, a That's It! I realized that I had been working for so many years at being the "right" woman, the woman I thought I should be; it required a lot of effort- the opposite of no forcing and no holding back. I was 33 years old and wishing that life would hurry up and get over with already. I was exhausted... tired of working so hard to be someone other than Becky. But, gazing upward at that majestic powerful bird, I knew in an instant that I must stop the desperation and somehow learn to Live life freely.
Without realizing it, in that moment, my world shifted on its axis and I would never be the same. I couldn't keep damming up my emotions; I couldn't keep avoiding the truth of our broken marriage and wounded family. My contriving (prayer/begging God/years of counseling/contorting myself) would not, could not change the reality of the mess that was my marriage- not at all the holy union of souls that I had dared to wish for. I soon had the revelation that I had done enough. I told my husband, "If you cannot accept me and love me as I am, I will have to leave. I deserve to be treated as well as I treat you. I'm not perfect but I am good enough to be loved." It was another year and a half before I filed for divorce. There were still stubborn roots of guilt and fear, vestiges of my old beliefs that held me back but once the dam started to crumble and the waters began streaming through, there was no stopping the flow of Life.
Today, nearly 30 years later, I continue to learn to free what waits within me, springing clear and flowing like a river, streaming through widening channels...
Amen
posted by Becky Spellman Waltz at 11:51 AM
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