Ode to Joy

"What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be."
~ Latter Days by Over the Rhine

On August 29, 2004, I wrote these words in my journal, "I have decided to record my journey since July 10, 2004 when my husband (and fellow human being) decided to "damage" me so that "no one would ever want me." Today I felt alone and ugly. I must continue to live one day at a time- moment by moment and pray for insight- the ability to see the beautiful in life..."

I woke up this morning singing, "What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be." and realized that my life is a symphony. Their have been times of painful dissonance and other times of sweet harmony. I have danced with some for a very short time and others for a long while. But today, in this moment, I see the incredible beauty of it all. Listening with my heart, I hear the exquisite melody of this Life. I see the masterful conduction that coordinated all of the notes of my life into this joyous masterpiece of Living. I feel the gentle loving hand of the composer that created the music of my soul and I know that every single note was necessary to create Becky's Song. Today, my prayer was answered, I see and hear the beautiful in Life.

Parker has arrived!!

"And, world, meet Master Burtoft. Be kind to him."~ Jeremy Bear (Uncle Jer)

On December 8th, I woke up at 1:30am itching from head to toe. I tried taking a Benedryl and then another. I used 2 different kinds of ointments for dermatitis. Then I tried taking off all of my garments and purposely shivering in the cold in an attempt to cool the raging itching. I prayed and I focused and nothing worked. And I wondered, could Erin be in labor right now? The baby was due Dec. 4th and she was having a lot of pains the evening before. We have always been so intimately connected, since the day she was born and I looked into her eyes and said, "Mommy's precious baby girl!" Rarely does one of us call the other that we weren't getting ready to pick up the phone to call. So, I couldn't help but wonder if my girl wasn't getting ready for her dramatic entrance into motherhood.
I waited until 7am to call and realized immediately that she was most surely in labor. She said, "Mom, I woke up at 1:30 in the morning and I was shocked!! I had never felt anything like that before. The pain took my breath away!"
And, so began a day filled with excitement and incredible anticipation. I was priviledged to experience the wonder of childbirth along with Greg (my son-in-law) and Lauren (my other daughter who happens to be 5 months pregnant). Watching Erin handle the labor with such calm grace was beautiful. Between contractions she would say, "I can't wait to meet my son!" or "I know this is crazy but I am s0-0-0 excited!" and then she would quickly focus and breathe through the next contraction as Greg gently rubbed her back. They often looked at each other with such love and devotion that my heart swelled with love and pride for them both.
And, then, at 3:26pm Parker Isaac Burtoft burst into this world full of life and hope. He is perfectly beautiful and came out wailing. We all gasped and laughed and cried and then we were speechless at the awesome wonder of this perfect little human being that has come into this world and graced our family. Later, the delivery room was crowded with family (Greg's parents, Becky and Dale and sister, Susie; Erin's dad, Randy, and his wife, Pat; and of course Erin, Greg, Lauren and Nanna Becky) all taking turns holding the baby, oohing and ahhing.
I stood back and felt so overwhelmed at the thought that this new Life in the form of Parker Burtoft came into this world surrounded with people that are utterly in love with him. Our love for him united all of us in a very special bond to him and to each other. Together, we witnessed the amazing gift of Life and felt the touch of God's hand in our lives.
I feel blessed beyond measure, full of love and admiration for my daughter and her loving husband and precious Parker.
World, be kind to all of them...

Asleep no more

"Those who don't feel this Love pulling them like a river,
those who don't drink dawn like a cup of spring water or take in sunset like supper,
those who don't want to change, let them sleep.
This Love is beyond the study of theology, that old trickery and hypocrisy.
If you want to improve your mind that way, sleep on.
I've given up on my brain. I've torn the cloth to shreds and thrown it away.
If you're not completely naked, wrap your beautiful robe of words around you, and sleep."
~ Rumi

I Am asleep no more...
Thank you, God
Thank you, terror
Thank you, pain
Thank you, sorrow
Thank you, anger
Thank you, grief
Thank you, messengers of light
Thank you, disillusionment
Thank you, healers of my heart
Thank you, peace
Thank you, God, I am asleep no more
I Am awake.

(Thoughts inspired by the song of Alanis Morissette, Thank U.
A song that I let wash over me in times of tremendous upheaval. The truth of which brought me hope and finally peace.)

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

"O come, O come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel."
~ 12th Century French Hymn

Christmas is quickly approaching and it conjures up so many memories and feelings for all of us.
For some, it is a time to joyfully celebrate Life with family and friends. For others, it can be a very painful time as we grieve the loss of what was or what we wish could be. I think of my friend, Jacquie, who lost her best friend, lover and spouse of many years less than 2 weeks ago.
I think of how my own life has changed since a year ago or even more, since 2 years ago. As I sit here typing away, I have Mannheim Steamroller A Fresh Aire Christmas playing quietly in the background and my sweet kitty, Knoll, curled up on my lap. At this moment I have a very deep sense that "All is as it should be" as my friend, Bob, said to me recently. Even so, I am anxiously awaiting the call from my daughter, Erin, to tell me that it is time for new life to spring forth in the form of Parker Burtoft. We are ready and anxious to meet the newest member of our family and we are in love with him already.
That is what Christmas means to me- the miracle of God's sacred beautiful Life visible in human form. And now, we look expectantly with hope to see God's Life shining forth more and more within the creation that is called by each of our names. That is why we are here. That is why we have come. We can be the bearers of Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward All. We can unite as Maya Angelou penned so beautifully in her Christmas Poem, Amazing Peace, as...
"We clap hands and welcome the Peace of Christmas.
We beckon this good season to wait awhile with us.
We, Baptist and Buddhist, Methodist and Muslim, say come.
Peace.
Come and fill us and our world with your majesty.
We, the Jew and the Jainist, the Catholic and the Confucian,
Implore you to stay awhile with us
So we may learn by your shimmering light
How to look beyond complexion and see community.
...We, Angels and Mortals, Believers and Nonbelievers,
Look heavenward and speak the word aloud.
Peace. We look at our world and speak the word aloud.
Peace. We look at each other, then into ourselves,
And we say without shyness or apology or hesitation:
Peace, My Brother.
Peace, My Sister.
Peace, My Soul."

The Sacred Place Within Us All

"Within us all is that place in which we are
Forever Unborn
Forever Unceasing
Forever Sane
Forever Wholesome
Forever in Unconditional Cherishment of all living things"

I have been silent recently. I thought that I didn't write because I couldn't find the time but the truth was that I had nothing to say. I have been overwhelmed with a new position that is full-time plus and concerns with the health of my brother, Harry. He is a resident at Heather Knoll (the nursing home where I have worked for over 8 years). He has lived there for over 3 years and been quite independent. He required little care and my parents came daily to visit and bathe and spend time with him. He had a routine that included daily rounds to various offices to visit with the staff and twice a day he stopped in to visit with me. Harry was born with down syndrome and that frequently leads to alzheimers. Although that is what brought him to Heather Knoll, he has been very stable and done extremely well. That was until a couple of months ago. In the last 2 months his health has taken a nose dive. The rapid decline is surprising even to those of us who have cared for many residents with alzheimers. He is not the same person from one week to the next. In a matter of weeks he has forgotten how to walk and talk and swallow. This is the course of the disease and I have seen many taken by its cruel grip. However, it is not the same when it is your brother...
I recently found a picture of the two of us holding hands in front of the Christmas tree. I was four years old and Harry was eight. I smiled and held out my dress like a princess but Harry has his sweet little head thrown back with an enormous grin that looks like pure joy. I remember that boy that was naive and trusting and didn't notice when the other children made fun of him. He was my grandma's favorite and I was glad. I was strong and confident and had many friends. Harry's world was smaller and I knew that it was difficult for him to watch me learn to drive and date, get married and have a family. There was comfort in knowing that he and my mother have a very special bond. She has called him her other half and anyone that has been around them can see the light of love in each of them as they gaze into each other's eyes. My mother is suffering as she watches her baby boy fading away. It is so painful for me to watch... I feel so utterly helpless. I want to do something to make it better but there is nothing to do. Disease will win this battle and I know that a part of my mother will go with him when he leaves because they are one.

I woke up this morning thinking about the sacred place within us all. Just the other night I went to an Over the Rhine concert and met some very special new friends. As we walked out onto Main Street in downtown Akron, snowflakes were coming down gently and everything had a light dusting of clean white snow. The holiday lights were out and it felt like magic. It seemed so quiet and utterly peaceful to me. My heart swelled with love and peace and joy for this beautiful beautiful world.
As I lay in bed remembering that moment I realized that is what our sacred place is like. Always pure and bright with hope... full of peace and overflowing with love. I thought of my brother and I remembered that his sacred place is forever unceasing, forever sane, forever wholesome, forever in unconditional cherishment of all living things and that truly his Life is with us forever. Amen.