Loosening the Grip of Fear
"Do you really believe you can make a voice that can drown out God's? Do you really believe you can devise a thought system than can separate you from Him? Do you really believe you can plan for your safety and joy better than He can? You need be neither careful nor careless; you need merely cast your cares upon Him because He careth for you. You are His care because He loves you. His Voice reminds you always that all hope is yours because of His Care. You cannot escape His care..." ~ A Course In Miracles
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us for the love of God..." ~ Romans 8:38, 39
I have a little blue book written by Louise L. Hay called, "Heal Your Body". It is a little handbook about the mental causes of physical illness. I believe that our thoughts effect our body as we are a physical being that houses a soul. When there is disruption in a part of us, it may manifest itself in physical illness. I have used this little book for years as insight into the possible root of a problem I was experiencing at the time. Hay always gives a healing affirmation to overcome the ailment with the intent of restoring wholeness.
Since the attack, I have struggled with various skin problems, especially hives and dermatitis. The constant itching can be maddening at times and I have learned that I have to take a Benedryl every night if I want to wake up and not be covered in hives. This whole problem started on Thanksgiving day of '04 after I sat down to write my statement to be read at Bill's sentencing for the attack. I sat down at the computer for a couple of hours and wrote the words that best expressed my feelings at that time. It was painfully difficult to write but I never changed a word of it and, to this day, I believe that it truly described my feelings about the attack and my attacker. When I stood up from writing the statement, my legs were covered in enormous hives and I have struggled with this problem ever since that day.
When I referred to "Heal Your Body", Hay listed the probable cause as, "Anxiety; fear. Old buried guck. I am being threatened." and the healing affirmation as, "I lovingly protect myself with thoughts of joy and peace. The past is forgiven and forgotten. I am free in this moment." When I read these words, they didn't compute. I have often told others that I am fearless. I have faced the worst horror and so I have nothing left to fear. And so... it has been an awakening to realize that fear is very much alive in me. It was just stored deeper than anger. I have experienced the cold grip of fear in the last couple of months. It sneaks up on me and grabs me when I least expect it. This fear has resulted in anything from flashbacks of the "moment of terror" to a shaky sense of ill ease. This sense of fear has knocked me off balance and left me confused. I have tried to "keep my eyes wide open" so that, this time, I won't miss the clues and will keep myself safe from harms way. My first words to my daughter, Erin, when she came into my hospital room after the attack were, "I'm so shocked... I'm just so shocked." I didn't see it coming and I don't know how I could have prevented what I didn't even know was possible. This has left me with a very vague and yet strong sense of vulnerability. How am I to keep myself safe?
It is becoming clear to me that my deep rooted sense of fear is just rising to the surface. Though unfelt, it has clearly taken up residence in my heart. The sensing of anger came first and I couldn't believe that I could feel such rage. It would wash over me and engulf me for days at a time. But, I learned that I needn't fear that it would consume me. It was merely rising to the surface to be skimmed off by the Lover of my Soul because no such impurity has room to abide in this heart. And, now, fear is rising and I am feeling the reality of its cold grip but God will, once again, wash away that fear with the same gentleness that released the anger and I will be free to soar like never before. Thank God, I am safe because I "cannot escape His care."
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us for the love of God..." ~ Romans 8:38, 39
I have a little blue book written by Louise L. Hay called, "Heal Your Body". It is a little handbook about the mental causes of physical illness. I believe that our thoughts effect our body as we are a physical being that houses a soul. When there is disruption in a part of us, it may manifest itself in physical illness. I have used this little book for years as insight into the possible root of a problem I was experiencing at the time. Hay always gives a healing affirmation to overcome the ailment with the intent of restoring wholeness.
Since the attack, I have struggled with various skin problems, especially hives and dermatitis. The constant itching can be maddening at times and I have learned that I have to take a Benedryl every night if I want to wake up and not be covered in hives. This whole problem started on Thanksgiving day of '04 after I sat down to write my statement to be read at Bill's sentencing for the attack. I sat down at the computer for a couple of hours and wrote the words that best expressed my feelings at that time. It was painfully difficult to write but I never changed a word of it and, to this day, I believe that it truly described my feelings about the attack and my attacker. When I stood up from writing the statement, my legs were covered in enormous hives and I have struggled with this problem ever since that day.
When I referred to "Heal Your Body", Hay listed the probable cause as, "Anxiety; fear. Old buried guck. I am being threatened." and the healing affirmation as, "I lovingly protect myself with thoughts of joy and peace. The past is forgiven and forgotten. I am free in this moment." When I read these words, they didn't compute. I have often told others that I am fearless. I have faced the worst horror and so I have nothing left to fear. And so... it has been an awakening to realize that fear is very much alive in me. It was just stored deeper than anger. I have experienced the cold grip of fear in the last couple of months. It sneaks up on me and grabs me when I least expect it. This fear has resulted in anything from flashbacks of the "moment of terror" to a shaky sense of ill ease. This sense of fear has knocked me off balance and left me confused. I have tried to "keep my eyes wide open" so that, this time, I won't miss the clues and will keep myself safe from harms way. My first words to my daughter, Erin, when she came into my hospital room after the attack were, "I'm so shocked... I'm just so shocked." I didn't see it coming and I don't know how I could have prevented what I didn't even know was possible. This has left me with a very vague and yet strong sense of vulnerability. How am I to keep myself safe?
It is becoming clear to me that my deep rooted sense of fear is just rising to the surface. Though unfelt, it has clearly taken up residence in my heart. The sensing of anger came first and I couldn't believe that I could feel such rage. It would wash over me and engulf me for days at a time. But, I learned that I needn't fear that it would consume me. It was merely rising to the surface to be skimmed off by the Lover of my Soul because no such impurity has room to abide in this heart. And, now, fear is rising and I am feeling the reality of its cold grip but God will, once again, wash away that fear with the same gentleness that released the anger and I will be free to soar like never before. Thank God, I am safe because I "cannot escape His care."
posted by Becky Spellman Waltz at 6:29 AM
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