Kent State University Speech

"It will change when every (man) woman gets it that we are all beautiful, powerful, and strong. That we deserve love and approval and support. That we would all be glorious if we could only spread our wings... What a light will arise from behind the mountains on the morning of our remembrance (of who we really are and always have been). What a sun will shine through the fog of tears when we embrace our true selves at last."~ A Woman's Worth by Marianne Williamson.

On Tuesday, Oct. 4th, I had the privilege of sharing my story with many young people at Kent State University to raise awareness about Domestic Violence. My speech was followed by a question and answer period that truly made me appreciate the quality of young people today. Many of them had thoughtful questions that showed genuine concern. My goal was to encourage everyone there to become increasingly acquainted with the beauty and strength that we all possess. I have decided to share my speech in the hopes that others may be encouraged to see their own light...

I believe that we are all on a journey called Life and each of us are learning the lessons that we are seeking and willing to learn. Our paths may vary but I believe there are certain things that all of us are trying to find. We all want acceptance and regard from others, fulfillment and joy in our experiences, the ability to behold beauty and wonder in the world that surrounds us but above all else, we desire intimate connection. In other words, we are all looking for Love.

I would like to take a moment to share an Indian word frequently used in yoga. The word is Namaste. I have heard many definitions but my favorite comes from Leo Buscaglio. It goes something like this, "The divinity within me recognizes and honors the divinity within you and with God, you and I are one."... Namaste.

I have recorded lessons that I have learned in my journey to understand Life and to find Love for over 25 years. Most of the time I quoted words that spoke to me either from the Bible or out of a book that I was reading. I rarely added my own thoughts because I didn't put a lot of merit into my own words. In the year 2000, I wrote only three entries and I didn't open my journal for the next 4 years.
At that time, I was a registered nurse and had just finished getting licensed as a massotherapist. I had been working at Heather Knoll Nursing Home for 3 years and was currently working in Staff Development 3 days a week and working 2 days a week doing massotherapy. I had just begun to learn yoga and instantly fell in love with it. I had always been into aerobics but yoga seemed to do more than tone my body, I quickly began to see that it effected my mind and spirit as well.
I had been married for 7 years to Bill Slabaugh. He was a corporate attorney who I had met at church. We had dated 2½ years and had what I would describe as a quiet respectful relationship. Communication was basically absent but, at the time, I was barely aware that something was missing. There were many things in my life that made me feel fulfilled including my career, my family (especially my children) and my friends.
In other words, I thought that my life was good. I didn't expect much from my marriage and that is exactly what I got. It took 4 more years before I realized that Life and Love offered more than what I had. I have since learned that awareness is the first step toward change. I became dissatisfied with the shallow cold marriage that I lived in and on May 29th of 2004, I shared my thoughts with my husband. I told him that I felt that we functioned more like roommates than lovers. We didn't talk, share money or really much of anything in life and because of that, I felt compelled to leave and move on with my life and find whatever it was that my soul was longing for.
Six weeks later to the day, I went to my home to pack boxes and prepare the house to be listed for sale the following week. Bill was also there packing and working along with me for about a half an hour. He was cordial but distant... like always. As I began to label a box that I had just packed, Bill came up behind me, grabbed me by the hair and squirted me square in the face with something that instantly felt like my face was on fire. I was completely shocked but instantly knew that I was fighting for my life.
I screamed and fought with everything that I had to stay upright believing that was my only hope of getting away. Bill quickly wrestled me to the ground and sat on my shoulders and began methodically spraying me from head to toe with this liquid fire. I fought and screamed the entire time, repeatedly asking why he wanted to kill me. His face was as cold and distant as it usually was and he only answered twice, calmly saying, "If I can't have you, no one can".. and later, "I'll make sure no one ever wants you." But God was with me and after what seemed like eternity, I abruptly found myself running up the basement steps and out the back door. I later learned that the lid came off of the bottle of Nitric Acid that Bill had ordered over the internet and some of it spilled on his hands and feet. He jumped back since he, too, felt the fire of the acid. That was the moment that I had an opportunity to get away. That was my first miracle.
Once I was outside, I began spraying myself with water from a garden hose and yelling for help. My second miracle were the neighbors that I barely knew who came to help me. More than a half hour after they called 911, paramedics and the police arrived. I was loaded into the back of an ambulance and then began to see myself shrinking and shriveling away and thought "Oh, I'm dying..." I wasn't afraid, just resigned to it.

And so began my journey to Life with a capital L and Love like I had never known.
I spent the next 7 weeks in the hospital with burns over 50% of my body. I underwent 5 surgeries for skin grafting and excruciating daily treatments to remove my skin as it died. Doctors gave grim predictions of my future including blindness, permanent hair loss, a 6 month hospital and rehab stay and the need to live with someone for at least a year to care for me after leaving the hospital. My answer to these predictions was always the same... "You don't know this lady. I'm scrappy. I'll be out of here and back to work in no time". From the moment that I was conscious, I fought to get my life back with every ounce of strength that I had.
In the hospital, I felt surrounded with love by my children and their spouses... by family and friends... by nurses that held my hand while I cried for days after first looking into a mirror almost a month after the attack and seeing a distorted face looking back that I didn't even recognize. I received flowers that filled my hospital room and stacks of cards every day that my children would read to me. In my darkest days, my son would hold my hand without a word as I cried over all that I had lost.... my face, my health, my rosy view of life and people as I had always looked for the good in everyone and everything. I had entered the darkest night that my soul had ever known. The next year would be filled with indescribable pain and yet feeling surrounded by the most intense overwhelming love that I had ever experienced.
For the first 4 months after leaving the hospital, I lived with my daughter, Erin, and son-in-law, Greg. On August 29th, I opened my journal and read the words that I had written 4 years earlier.

On Jan. 19, 2000 I quoted "God's" words from Friendship with God by Neale Donald Walsh "Gratitude is the fastest form of healing. What you resist, persists. What you are grateful for can then serve you, as it was meant to do... I have sent you nothing but angels... I have given you nothing but miracles." Feeling gratitude for being nearly burned alive was beyond what I was capable of at that time but I knew down to the core of my being that God loved me deeply. I did not understand the how and the why of this horrible tragedy but I believed and still believe that nothing touches me without going through what I call the "God filter". Bill may have meant to destroy me but God had a plan and it was for my good. Please understand that this isn't some sappy soft belief in God's love. This kind of love is powerful and life changing. I have told many people in the last year, "God is concerned with more than a perfect face". And I challenged my God to do something great with this and frequently asked the question "What is the message... What am I supposed to learn from this." The answers were slow in coming but even this has ultimately served me as it was meant to.
On March 20th I quoted, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." Well I had certainly found that place! I lost my face and my health and my job. I felt like a freak as people stared at me everywhere that I went. Children frequently point and ask "What's wrong with that lady?" But bigger that any of those losses was the loss of what I believed to be true about life and how it worked. I always looked for the good in people and tried to treat everyone kindly. I had been a good wife who never complained and was respectful to the end. How could this happen to me? I was normal and I had never even known to be afraid of Bill. I just didn't know how life worked anymore. What's the message, God? Did I have to lose so much to "Live"?
On Oct. 20th, I quoted words from an episode of the TV show, Providence, "I am a strong and resilient woman. I will let nothing fill me with fear and derail my life." In the year 2000, I identified with these words. When I read them 4 years later, they became my motto and my intention. Nothing was going to stop me from getting my life back. Nothing, and that included the selfish hateful act of Bill Slabaugh who set out to destroy me. I was driven to "get on the other side of this thing." That drive was essential to my healing but even that would ultimately be lost.
Insight began with the journal entries that I had written 4 years earlier. These were solid beliefs that I knew were true. They were my foundation and all that I have learned has been built upon that foundation. After reading these words, on Aug. 29, 2005 I wrote, "I have decided to record my journey since July 10, 2004 when my husband (and fellow human being) decided to damage me so that no one else would ever want me. Today, I felt alone and ugly. I must continue to live one day at a t time- moment by moment and pray for insight- the ability to see the beautiful in life...

I would spend the next 10 months focused on my goal of returning to my former life. My everyday goals varied from making it up the steps to my daughters second floor so that she and her husband could have their bedroom back to driving my little 5 speed VW Jetta to my therapy appointments which, at that time, lasted 2 hours 3 times a week. I had frequent doctor appointments and my life revolved around my health and controlling my pain. I did what I could of yoga and slowly regained mobility. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never again walk without a limp. It was months before I could bend my right leg because a wound on my knee refused to heal. I set a goal of someday riding my bike again. It was something that I loved and felt had always connected me to nature. But even in the midst of my struggles, I often felt that the special beauty of last autumn was God's gift to me to show his love and that incredible beauty still existed in spite of my pain. The colors were never more vivid and always reminded me of the sheer joy of Living.
In the midst of my work to heal, I was continually reminded of the goodness of people. I was amazed when people would come up to me and ask if I was that "woman on the news" and then tell me that they had prayed for me for months. I was on countless prayer chains for many churches and bible study groups. My former church brought lunches every week day since my daughter was teaching during the day and I was home alone. Friends and acquaintances poured out their love and concern. A lady that I still haven't met sent me a card every week for a full year to remind me that she was praying for me. However, in spite of the love that surrounded me, I was in great turmoil and on a roller coaster of emotions. When anyone asked what they could do to help, I would tell them to please pray that I would be more and not less because of what had happened. My heartbreak was so deep and at times my anger so intense that I feared that I may never recover. My greatest fear was that I might end up a bitter person. I began to forget what it felt like to not be in pain... both physical and emotional. I was so often overwhelmed by it and always feeling as if I was swimming against it. Always, swimming upstream with no end in sight.
Four months after the attack, I returned to Heather Knoll and set out to purchase a condo so that I could be on my own again. The house that Bill and I had built a year earlier had sold and I ended up having to face packing up all of my belongings and moving them a month and a half after leaving the hospital. If there was a task that seemed impossible, I set out to prove that I could do it. This lady was no victim!! I spent one whole day in the basement where I had been covered in acid, cleaning and packing boxes . I would frequently remind my family that I was "tough as nails" but inwardly, each task drained a little more of the intense fight that I had. I often would remember seeing myself shriveling away in the ambulance and wonder what exactly I had seen. There was no question about whether or not it happened. The only question in my mind was what it meant... what was dying?

On Dec. 8th, 2004, Bill Slabaugh was sentenced to 12 years in prison for kidnapping and felonious assault. On that same day, I signed a contract to purchase a condo with my half of the money from the sale of our home. Christmas was lonely and painful but I moved into my new home on New Year's Day feeling exhausted, alone and afraid. These were not feelings that I wanted to share because the people that loved me had suffered so much. I will never forget the devotion of my children and their spouses. They loved me without reservation and always tried to hide their own pain. So, in the midst of my loneliness has always been the light of love that others have poured out on me. I am eternally grateful for the tremendous love that so many have freely given to me. I will never forget such love!
Slowly, in the midst of my grief, the light began to dawn. I found that in my darkness, there was always a glimmer of light to guide me to the next step. One such light was the words of Virginia Satir, "Allow yourself to go to that sacred place within where you keep the Treasure that is called by your name." I became acquainted with my sacred place and found that as I quietly listened, Life spoke to me gently and compassionately and gave me hope. I found that my sacred place held the treasures of strength, peace, love, truth and wisdom. All that I was ever seeking, was waiting to be discovered within me.
I began to learn the incredible power of surrender to what is real. Not what I wish was real, thought was real or dreamt was real but the reality of what is right Now. The first step was surrendering to the great physical and emotional pain that I was in. Allowing myself to completely feel what I felt. By staying open to my broken heart and body and facing it squarely, I was beginning the work of healing. Soon after the attack, I set my heart on forgiveness. My intention was clear: I would forgive this event because only then would I be free to soar and live and love. No chains of hatred to bind up this heart. I loved life before and my intention was to Love Life even more because of what had happened. I bought myself a card my Maya Angelou and it still hangs in my office. It says, "I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it."
Don't get me wrong- I spent many days in tears because the sadness overwhelmed me but all that I knew to do was put one foot in front of the other and move forward with my head held high. I intended to know peace again one day. The process was very slow but I never felt stuck that was until the end May, more than 10 months after the attack. I had worked and struggled with every ounce of strength that I had to get my life back. I had overcome so many obstacles and yet there were always more to replace them. Court battles and insurance battles and physical battles. Even though I had tried so hard to follow every thing that I was told, my scar tissue continued to disfigure my face. On May 25th, I gave up the fight to get my old life back. The words to an Alanis Morissette's song summed up where I was, "My foundation was rocked, my tried and true way to deal was to vanish." Life did not work for me anymore, at least not the way that I had known it to work. In giving up my fight for my old life, I lost my framework, my footing, my way to deal with life and people. That fateful day, I began my new life with a desire only for beauty, wholeness and love... a new level of realness.
On May 30th I penned the words, "I let go of what was and accept what is to prepare for the limitless possibilities of what will be." For months, I had sung along with Alanis to the words of her song called Thank U, "The moment that I let go of it, is the moment I got more than I could handle. The moment that I jumped off of it, is the moment that I touched down." Finally, these words were my reality. I began to learn to live effortlessly. I gave up trying to get my life back and started riding the current of what my life is and that is the biggest miracle of all.
I am overcome with a deep sense of gratitude for the whole journey of my life. Every twist and every turn has brought me to this place of peace and the greatest love that I have ever known. I have learned that I am not only strong but that my strength has resilience like a tall oak tree. It bends in a strong wind but my roots are deep and my branches always reach toward the light and source of all life. I lost my comfort zone but found my Life. I have been surrounded by love and believe that God has given me nothing but angels and miracles. Life is a miracle and I treasure every minute of it.

In closing, I would like to share a quote from Marianne Williamson's book The Gift of Change, "Can you reach within yourself for enough clarity, strength, forgiveness, serenity, love, patience, and faith to turn this around? That's the spiritual meaning of every situation: Not what happens to us, but what we do with what happens to us and who we decide to become because of what happens to us. The only real failure is the failure to grow from what we go through."
Namaste.