Befriending Pain
"Allow suffering to force you into the present moment, into a state of intense conscious presence. Use it for enlightenment. Surrender does not transform what is, at least not directly. Surrender transforms you."~~ The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
I had known excruciating pain... pain beyond comprehension. After six weeks, I had lost my brave face. I was so tired of hurting and it seemed that everything hurt. My wounds hurt... the dressing changes hurt... the daily bloodwork... the daily change of my IV site... the antibiotics burned my veins... even the pain medication hurt as it was pushed through my veins. Everything hurt! And, I was tired... so tired of hurting.
I remember the night that I lay in my bed and my nurse came in to give me my IV antibiotic. I was flat on my back as I had spent the majority of the last month and a half. As she leaned over me she said, "Long term pain changes you." She began to recount a time when she had spent months in pain after a surgery. She described how isolating and frustrating it was to spend every moment in pain. Tears began to trickle out of the corners of my eyes and drip onto the bed. Someone understood.
Several months after the attack, the physical pain began to slowly recede. However, it seemed to be replaced in direct proportion with the intense pain of my broken heart. I couldn't escape it no matter how hard that I tried. And believe me, I tried! Pain had become my constant companion and I had no choice but to listen to her intense pleas. On my birthday, Jeremy and Carey had given me a CD set by Eckhart Tolle called "Dealing with the Pain Body." As I listened to his words, the light began to dawn. The words, "Gently embrace what is." broke through my darkness and made sense to me. I had been a massage therapist for years and knew that full conscious attention brought relief to my clients. I had, in fact, learned to instruct them to go to the place of pain with me. As we focused on the source of pain it would slowly give way.
I realized at that moment that resistance to pain only feeds it. Gently embracing pain... feeling it... patiently listening to it is all that is required. I had spent my life avoiding pain, not listening to what it wanted to teach me. Now, pain has become my friend. I listen to her and embrace what she has to say. I surrender and I learn...
I had known excruciating pain... pain beyond comprehension. After six weeks, I had lost my brave face. I was so tired of hurting and it seemed that everything hurt. My wounds hurt... the dressing changes hurt... the daily bloodwork... the daily change of my IV site... the antibiotics burned my veins... even the pain medication hurt as it was pushed through my veins. Everything hurt! And, I was tired... so tired of hurting.
I remember the night that I lay in my bed and my nurse came in to give me my IV antibiotic. I was flat on my back as I had spent the majority of the last month and a half. As she leaned over me she said, "Long term pain changes you." She began to recount a time when she had spent months in pain after a surgery. She described how isolating and frustrating it was to spend every moment in pain. Tears began to trickle out of the corners of my eyes and drip onto the bed. Someone understood.
Several months after the attack, the physical pain began to slowly recede. However, it seemed to be replaced in direct proportion with the intense pain of my broken heart. I couldn't escape it no matter how hard that I tried. And believe me, I tried! Pain had become my constant companion and I had no choice but to listen to her intense pleas. On my birthday, Jeremy and Carey had given me a CD set by Eckhart Tolle called "Dealing with the Pain Body." As I listened to his words, the light began to dawn. The words, "Gently embrace what is." broke through my darkness and made sense to me. I had been a massage therapist for years and knew that full conscious attention brought relief to my clients. I had, in fact, learned to instruct them to go to the place of pain with me. As we focused on the source of pain it would slowly give way.
I realized at that moment that resistance to pain only feeds it. Gently embracing pain... feeling it... patiently listening to it is all that is required. I had spent my life avoiding pain, not listening to what it wanted to teach me. Now, pain has become my friend. I listen to her and embrace what she has to say. I surrender and I learn...
posted by Becky Spellman Waltz at 7:45 AM
2 Comments:
this just breaks my heart that someone would have to go through what you have in the past year. I know GOD only gives us what we can handel and everybody does what they have to for survival but i know that myself i could not have even come close to induring what you did. you are a role modle and an inspiration to so many.i would like to think that i to could be as loving and gentel as you have been through this but i really dont think i have that kind of courage. xoxoxo lori
BECK,
One of the most profound moments of my life was being with you when you delivered your speech at Kent.
You truly are the most courageous,
wonderful and beautiful woman I have ever known and I am blessed to
have you in my life. You ARE the Japanese Garden...where the Dragonfly can feel safe and live in peace. I Love You. Dennis
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