Limitless Possibilities

"I let go of what was and accept what is to prepare for the limitless possiblities of what will be."
~ Journal entry of May 30, 2005.

As I was riding to work the other day, these words popped into my head. I find it interesting that I penned these words in my journal over a year ago and they came back to my mind verbatim. I believe that there is a connection between our mind and body in respect to illness and that disease has an emotional element.
I have struggled a lot with skin issues since I was burned. First it was hives; it all started the day that I sat down to write my statement to Bill to be read at the criminal sentencing. I sat for hours and wrote my statement. Within minutes of completing the statement, I was covered in hives. This began a problem that lasted well over a year. I had to take Benedryl every night or I woke up covered in hives on my legs. To this day, I still will get a few scattered hives when I feel stressed.
Another chronic problem that I have developed is Eczema. It is a burning itch that can be maddening at times. I have to use various ointments and creams to keep it in check. It used to be on my legs, chest, back, elbows and hands but it has now concentrated mainly on my hands. They itch and burn constantly. I have tried so many creams and ointments but nothing really begins to get rid of the problem.
I have finally begun to consider the emotional element to the eczema (a dis-ease). Why my hands? I have burns all over my body. Why has the maddening itch on my hands never improved? This was the question on my mind the other day on my way to work. I thought of the fact that our hands hold and have the ability to grasp onto things. I considered the idea that I am still holding onto some of the pain and fear from the attack. As I write these words, my heart hurts and it signals to me that there is truth here. I am obviously still in the process of letting go. What do I still want to hang on to? To what purpose does it serve? I don't have an answer to these questions today. They will come when I am ready. They always have... but not until I am ready to know. Until then, I will remember the truth that I penned over a year ago. I am letting go of what was and accepting what is in preparation for the limitless possibilities of what will be~ Amen

The Darkness is Dissipating

"You entered the darkness to believe in it but not enough to extinguish the flame of your Divine purpose. Your yes in the center of no is a leap of faith in the heart of doubt. By your remembering, the Light begins to emerge, the darkness dissipates, Yes replaces every no that you have ever uttered. All is touched in this moment by the flame that you honored secretly, courageously, and now consciously in your life."~ Emmanuel’s Book III

On June 6, 2006, William Slabaugh was brought before the Stark County Court system for re-sentencing after winning his appeal to the Supreme Court regarding the 12 year sentence that he received for the attack on July 10, 2004. He was seeking a reduced sentence and the possibility of early parole. However, the prior decision was upheld and he will return to Trumbull Co. Prison to continue serving time for his actions.
I have often been frustrated by the reaction of people who say, "Bill just lost it!" I rarely respond to that comment because I think that the truth is quite the opposite and I know that thought is much harder to comprehend. Actually, Bill was very much in control and calm throughout the ordeal. Where some people assume that he must have been overcome and "lost it", in actuality, he was detached and meticulous as he carried out his goal of destruction. The reality of this cold and calculated decision to cause such pain and misery without regard for another human being is incomprehensible to the average person. It most certainly has been for me! However, I have had to confront my "rosy" ideas about life and people and look at this reality square in the face. Bill has yet to show any signs of remorse about what he has done to me. All that I can conclude is that he is incapable of feeling empathy or compassion for people. Just two days before the attack, Bill said that his "love for me was limitless". Of course, this can never be an act of love but he expressed in his confession that he "loved me too much to handle the thought of me with another man" and further that "anyone would've done the same thing." How very very sick and sad.

The second anniversary of the attack came and went a couple of days ago. How my life has changed since July 10, 2004! But, strangely, I feel that it has changed equally as much in the last year as in the previous one. I have often told people that this event was my undoing. And though it was painful to let my "old life" go, I have learned a whole new way of living. The last year has been a year of building this new Life and it is wonderful. I have never felt so free to be "me". No longer am I afraid for you to know who I am. I find it impossible to be anything but the "real Becky" and that is incredibly freeing. All of my relationships, new and old, are real and whole and bring me great joy. Weeks after the attack, I asked God to see the beautiful in life and the eyes of my heart have been opened to see incredible beauty and Love in this world. The flame of my desire to know love and joy and peace has brought all that I ever wanted and much more. Truly the light has emerged, and the darkness is dissipating, Yes! has been Life's answer to all of my soul's deepest desires.