Being Ordinary

"Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt- marvelous error!-
that a spring was breaking out in my heart.
I said: Along which secret aqueduct, Oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life that I have never drunk?

Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt- marvelous error!-
that I had a beehive here inside my heart.
And the golden bees were making white combs
and sweet honey from my old failures.

Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt- marvelous error!-
that a fiery sun was giving light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light and brought tears to my eyes.

Last night as I slept, I dreamt- marvelous error!-
that it was God I had here inside my heart.
~ Last Night As I Was Sleeping by Antonio Machado

In the '80's I went to see a movie starring Mary Tyler Moore, Donald Sutherland and Timothy Hutton called, Ordinary People. It is a story of an ordinary family that encounters tragedy. In this story, a couple has 2 teenage sons and one of them is killed in a boating accident in spite of the gallant efforts of his brother to save him. The mother was particularly close to the son that died and coped by closing down emotionally. I will always view that movie as one of those moments when Life uses the tools at hand to teach us profound truths about ourselves. I will never forget how hard I sobbed as I sat in a theater with my husband and another couple from our church. At that time, it had been years since I had cried but the message of that movie broke through the walls around my heart that I had so carefully and knowingly constructed years earlier.
It was less than 2 years into my first marriage when, one night, I silently uttered the words, "He will never hurt me again." At that moment, I threw up walls to protect my heart and spent the following years reinforcing the structure. I vividly remember the sense of relief that I felt at the time because I no longer felt the pain of rejection. It wasn't until I saw Moore's character so full of pain and totally unable to give or receive love that I realized that the walls I had constructed had imprisoned me! Seeing the coldness that masked so much pain felt like looking into a mirror and it was that clarity that immediately dismantled my carefully constructed walls... thank God!!

I feel encouraged by Machado's words as I contemplate my ordinary failures. Who of us hasn't thrown up walls of defense to protect a heart that has been wounded? Maybe it is our so called short-comings that ultimately make us softer and more tender toward our fellow human beings. Today, the thought that my weaknesses can be turned into honey brings sweet relief.

Silken Twine

"Joy and woe are woven fine.
A clothing for the soul divine.
Under every grief and pine runs a joy with silken twine.
~ The Pickering Manuscripts by William Blake

Today, I felt compelled to clean out closets. This is not a job that I normally enjoy. I believe that even the smallest desires and decisions are a metaphor for our present condition and so I listen to these little soul requests.
As I began cleaning out a closet I found an old journal. I have kept journals for many years but almost exclusively used them to record quotes that spoke to me from others. I was surprised to come upon an entry that I wrote in October of 2003 after a trip to Chautaugua, New York. It was a very meaningful trip for me. Bill and I had taken a biking and hiking trip over a long weekend. I was overwhelmed with the beauty that surrounded me but, at the same time, aware that although we were there together, emotionally we were very separate. I remember it as one of those pivotal moments when I was growing in my awareness that we had moved in opposite directions and lived in very different worlds. It wasn't a sad feeling only a glimpse of reality that I acknowledged at the time.
I have decided to share that journal entry today because it brings back such sweet memories of my feelings of the Nearness of God.

Oct. '03
Returned home today from a weekend get-a-way with Bill. We went to Chautaugua, New York. We spent the better part of 2 days hiking and biking in Allegheny State Park. The sights, sounds and smells were joyous! The mountains were covered with every autumn color imaginable. At times, riding along felt like flying. We hiked a few different trails (sometimes quite challenging), but Conservation Trail was definitely my favorite. In fact, we hiked it twice because I enjoyed it so much!
It was so incredibly quiet that the sound of leaves under foot or crackling twigs, or even the sound of our own breath, seemed intrusive. It was literally so quiet that I could hear a leaf fall to the ground. The wind would often gently rustle the leaves overhead in the tall old trees. I thought, this must be what God sounds like, only heard if you are quiet enough to listen, attentive enough to perceive it at that moment. At times, there was the wonderful scent of tarragon mixed with moss and earth. I had to stop and breath it in so that it could become a part of me. Areas of tall pines felt completely different than areas dominated by sugar maples and elms.
Although the forest was dense, the smallest breakthrough of sunlight would cause a tree or patch of grass to spring up. The landscape was forever changing, even in the same spot, as the sun rose and set. Even though we hiked Conservation Trail twice in the same day, just hours apart, it appeared to be a very different trail... still beautiful but somehow different.
I hope to learn to be "present" more often and to savor all things and attach to nothing (even wonderful things) so that I may "see" the next beautiful thing... always changing... like the trees... like the forest... like Life!

Finding that old journal entry was truly a gift today. The wonder of memories is that you can immediately be transported back to that moment. You can hear and smell and most certainly feel it. At the time of writing that entry I had no idea how my life would change in just a few short months. I now believe that God spoke to me that weekend through the whisper of the trees about the beauty that will always be found when we allow ourselves to be present to see the next beautiful thing.