The Gift of Terror

"The Path towards God is the sacrifice of self,
And in every thicket lurks a danger
Designed to make the person
Whose soul is fragile as a flask of glass
Turn back and retrace his steps.
The Path of religion is full of troubles and disaster
Because it is not a Path
Suited to anyone with a cowardly nature.
On this Path, the souls of beings
Are subjected to ordeals by terror
Like a sieve is used to strain the wheat."~ Rumi

In the weeks preceding the attack I felt a strong sense of God's presence and leading me in the perfect path for my life. Though some doubted that ending my marriage was the correct choice, I knew that it was the right one for me. I was fearless and looked forward with anticipation to the life that lay ahead of me. I had never feared Bill for a moment. I never found a reason to fear him. So, when I pulled up into the driveway that fateful day there was not even an inkling of danger. As I worked away packing and organizing our things, I felt the awkwardness of it but nothing else. When Bill grabbed me from behind and sprayed me in the face with liquid fire in the form of nitric acid, I was completely and utterly shocked. As I wrestled with him trying to stay upright, I knew immediately that I was fighting for my life. I fought with every ounce of strength that I possessed to keep standing believing that was my only hope of survival. However, it was a fight that I did not win and he quickly wrestled me to the floor and used his knees to hold down my shoulders and arms. I continued to fight with everything I had to get loose and all the while he continued to methodically spray me from head to toe with the acid and I felt as if my entire body was engulfed in fire. I tried to bite his legs and head butt him but there was literally nothing that made any difference. All the while, I screamed and repeatedly asked, "Why do you want to kill me?!?" I looked into his eyes and saw the man that I had known for 13 years and nothing that indicated anger or fear or really any emotion. Twice he quietly answered, saying only, "If I can't have you no one can." and later, "I'll make sure no one ever wants you."
As time passed, I was very aware that my chances of escape were also passing away but I never stopped fighting... not for one second! When I found myself upright and running up the basement steps screaming for help, I didn't even know how I got there. I only later came to believe that God had lifted me from danger at the perfect moment.
This was my ordeal of terror. This was the sacred wounding that resulted in my sacrifice of self. My entire life has changed since that fateful day. I no longer have the naivete that believes that "evil" can't touch me. When I began having flashbacks a few months ago, I was shocked. I really wasn't feeling fearful and so I wondered where it had come from. I now realize that it was time to see another piece of the puzzle that is my life. I have been presented with the opportunity to let go of another piece of my ordeal. However, it isn't easy because that moment of terror is sacred and I hold it very dear. It hurts to let it go because it feels as if it will be less significant and yet this event is enormous to me. But, I remember my goal to be more and not less, to know freedom of heart and soul and the ability to see the Beautiful. And so it is clear that letting go is the only way to realize my deepest and truest intentions.
And so, today I place my sacred wounding into a velvet lined box and close the lid. I wrap it in priceless fabric of golden threads and I give it to the Lover of my soul. He is the only one that knows the true pain of my brokenness that lies within and I know that My Beloved will treasure this gift for eternity. Amen

Perfect Forgiveness

"We sometimes think past sins, near or far, must make it hopeless for us ever to attain to perfection. It is quite the contrary- We are forgiven in such a way that they no longer raise any obstacle between us and God." ~ Pina Waltz, 1957

These words were penned by a woman who was institutionalized for over 35 years. She sent this loving message to the one who had made the decision to send her and then keep her there for much of her adult life. She wrote these words after having missed the raising of her beloved son as he was only 5 years old when she was "committed". In the midst of the worst of conditions she found beauty and ultimately shared the beauty of her soul with those who knew her. She learned and then shared the truest message of forgiveness... it breaks down all barriers of pain, crosses all boundaries of circumstance and seeks always to connect us to others and ultimately to our Beloved. Her legacy of love continues to touch those of us who have never met her and yet love extends itself and moves us closer to the point where there are no longer any obstacles between us and God. This is the perfection that Pina shared with the world.

My Sentencing Statement

Since referring to the sentencing statement in my last journal post, I have decided to share my statement. It is a window into a place that is sacred...

December 8, 2004
How do I begin to express my feelings about what has happened and the person that chose to hurt me this way? I thought that I knew you. Obviously I knew only the image that you wanted to project to me and everyone else. I thought that you were a strong, quiet, sensitive and dignified man. I thought that you cared about people and wanted to make a positive impact on this world. I thought that you loved me. At least, this is what you reassured me right up until 2 days before you held me down, covered me in acid and burned me literally from the top of my head to my feet. Now I am left to make sense of this event and this man that I thought that I knew for 13 years.
I have always looked for the best in people and that included you. I built you up and was your biggest fan. I was loyal and faithful to you always. Unfortunately our marriage wasn’t built on equal giving. You withheld not only money but also your heart. After 10 years of marriage, I was worn out of trying to keep love alive in our relationship. I was willing to quietly go our separate ways. You could keep all of the money that was so important to you. You could keep your "Christian" image and I wouldn’t dispute it. I asked for nothing from you. Certainly, I never deserved this.
You have broken my heart. I have never known such utter betrayal. You said to me, "My love for you is limitless" and then held me down and tortured me without so much as a look of concern in your eyes. I begged you to stop and to tell me why you wanted to kill me. I looked into your face and never saw a moment of anger or fear or horror at what you were doing to me. You showed me no compassion during or after the attack. I later learned that you calmly watched as neighbors tried to save me as I fought for my life. I have been shown more empathy and genuine compassion from strangers than from this man who declared his so-called limitless love for me. Now I know that you obviously never loved me. Love couldn’t do this. I couldn’t treat an animal the way that you treated me. I don’t know how long it will take to put the pieces of my heart back together or when I won’t feel the pain of this betrayal anymore.
You have devastated my body. I haven’t known a day or even a moment without pain since the attack. The pain that I have endured is beyond comprehension. The weeks in the hospital are a blur of excruciating pain and surgeries and 2 hour dressing changes that included literally scrubbing off my skin as it died. Every day was filled with torturous pain.
I’m left wondering, "How could Bill do this to me?" Not only am I shocked that you could come up with such a horrendous act but the thought that you would carry it out is beyond my comprehension. When you were dreaming up this horrible scheme, did you ever stop and think about anyone besides yourself? Did you ever consider the pain that I would endure?
Did you care even a little about not only the physical pain but the heartbreak that you would cause for me and everyone that loves me? Did you think about your children and your grandchildren? One thing that I know for certain about you; you are a very deliberate person. You think about every detail before you do anything. The thought that you actually deliberated and carefully considered your plan and then carried it out without concern for anyone else tells me what a truly self-centered, heartless and cruel man that you are. And that thought makes me profoundly sad. Sad for me; sad for everyone that has suffered with me because they love me; sad for everyone that loves you; but most of all, I’m sad for you.
I’m sad because you have thrown your life away. By your own admission, your life was spent very concerned with your image. You worked hard to become a lawyer and were a loyal employee of Roadway for many years. You took care of your body by working out faithfully, watching what you ate and always dressing meticulously. You appeared to be a proud father and grandfather. You were faithful to your church and did so much volunteer work. Do you think for one moment that you will be remembered for those things? From now on, when someone hears the name, Bill Slabaugh, they will think of the day that you held down your wife and covered her in acid that you bought on the internet. Everything that you have ever said or done will be weighed against the fact that you could so heartlessly harm another human being. What a sad waste you have made of your life.
Now, having said all of that, there is one more thing that I want you to know. You may have broken my heart and devastated my body but you did not touch my spirit. This spirit; the real Becky, remains strong and unscathed. This would be the part of me that you obviously never knew. I wrote a quote in my journal 4 years before this happened. It said, "I am a strong and resilient woman. I will let nothing fill me with fear and derail my life." That is as true today as it was 4 years ago and maybe even truer. The people that really know me and truly love me have surrounded me with their support. I have been utterly amazed and eternally grateful for the genuine love and compassion of people, some of whom I’ve never met but nonetheless have opened their hearts to me. My face and my body may be damaged but my spirit is strong and free and you have not stopped love from coming to me. Because true love sees the real beauty within and will not be withheld because of scars and I’ve really never wanted any other kind of love anyway.
So, it may be true that you have hurt me deeply and left scars within as well as on the outside. However, I want you to know that I will move forward and I will have a wonderful and full life ahead of me surrounded by the beauty of this world and the love of the people in it.

Loosening the Grip of Fear

"Do you really believe you can make a voice that can drown out God's? Do you really believe you can devise a thought system than can separate you from Him? Do you really believe you can plan for your safety and joy better than He can? You need be neither careful nor careless; you need merely cast your cares upon Him because He careth for you. You are His care because He loves you. His Voice reminds you always that all hope is yours because of His Care. You cannot escape His care..." ~ A Course In Miracles

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us for the love of God..." ~ Romans 8:38, 39

I have a little blue book written by Louise L. Hay called, "Heal Your Body". It is a little handbook about the mental causes of physical illness. I believe that our thoughts effect our body as we are a physical being that houses a soul. When there is disruption in a part of us, it may manifest itself in physical illness. I have used this little book for years as insight into the possible root of a problem I was experiencing at the time. Hay always gives a healing affirmation to overcome the ailment with the intent of restoring wholeness.
Since the attack, I have struggled with various skin problems, especially hives and dermatitis. The constant itching can be maddening at times and I have learned that I have to take a Benedryl every night if I want to wake up and not be covered in hives. This whole problem started on Thanksgiving day of '04 after I sat down to write my statement to be read at Bill's sentencing for the attack. I sat down at the computer for a couple of hours and wrote the words that best expressed my feelings at that time. It was painfully difficult to write but I never changed a word of it and, to this day, I believe that it truly described my feelings about the attack and my attacker. When I stood up from writing the statement, my legs were covered in enormous hives and I have struggled with this problem ever since that day.
When I referred to "Heal Your Body", Hay listed the probable cause as, "Anxiety; fear. Old buried guck. I am being threatened." and the healing affirmation as, "I lovingly protect myself with thoughts of joy and peace. The past is forgiven and forgotten. I am free in this moment." When I read these words, they didn't compute. I have often told others that I am fearless. I have faced the worst horror and so I have nothing left to fear. And so... it has been an awakening to realize that fear is very much alive in me. It was just stored deeper than anger. I have experienced the cold grip of fear in the last couple of months. It sneaks up on me and grabs me when I least expect it. This fear has resulted in anything from flashbacks of the "moment of terror" to a shaky sense of ill ease. This sense of fear has knocked me off balance and left me confused. I have tried to "keep my eyes wide open" so that, this time, I won't miss the clues and will keep myself safe from harms way. My first words to my daughter, Erin, when she came into my hospital room after the attack were, "I'm so shocked... I'm just so shocked." I didn't see it coming and I don't know how I could have prevented what I didn't even know was possible. This has left me with a very vague and yet strong sense of vulnerability. How am I to keep myself safe?
It is becoming clear to me that my deep rooted sense of fear is just rising to the surface. Though unfelt, it has clearly taken up residence in my heart. The sensing of anger came first and I couldn't believe that I could feel such rage. It would wash over me and engulf me for days at a time. But, I learned that I needn't fear that it would consume me. It was merely rising to the surface to be skimmed off by the Lover of my Soul because no such impurity has room to abide in this heart. And, now, fear is rising and I am feeling the reality of its cold grip but God will, once again, wash away that fear with the same gentleness that released the anger and I will be free to soar like never before. Thank God, I am safe because I "cannot escape His care."