Finding my Way to Acceptance

"Look to understand your negative feelings as a loving mother would understand a confused and frightened child...

When you become aware of misjudgment,
of ill-timed, ill-conceived thought and action,
when you recognize your desire for vengeance,
your anger or unforgiveness,
that is the time for self-congratulation.
Your new insight now allows you to handle these things in a far more conscious way.
It is an opportunity.
A door has been opened.
A light has been turned on.

With awareness, your give yourself the gift
of an opening for growth and change.
Do not criticize yourself
because in darkness you could not see.
When you find the Light within you
you will know that you have always been in the center of wisdom."~ Emmanuel

As I seek to experience the reality of forgiveness I find that there are many roots. First came the realization that I was capable of true rage. Not just anger, but a rage that screamed from the depths of my soul and needed a voice and wanted to be heard. I found that voice one day after my first of many injections to my facial scar tissue. The cortisone shots were excruciating and left my face feeling as if it were on fire. That triggered the release of pain and rage that surprised even me. I had been saying for months that I felt like I wanted to find a forest, go as deep as I could where no one could hear and just scream. It was simmering in my soul and needed to come out. The searing pain of those injections released and gave voice to my rage. I literally screamed at the top of my lungs all the way home and couldn't speak above a whisper the rest of the day. However, my soul was quieted and the anger finally faded. It was later that I realized that I had been angry with me. I was angry that I felt that I had "allowed" something so horrible to happen to me. I was angry that I didn't save myself. I learned that, above all else, it was me that I needed to forgive.
Many months after the attack I read the police report and learned that I did, in fact, save myself. The statement that Bill gave to the police used the words, "she got away." The statement that I gave to the police used the same words, "I got away." The importance of this cannot be overstated. I needed to know that I had fought for my life and won. What seemed obvious to others was an issue that I needed to settle. I had misjudged the situation and ultimately myself. Once the truth was revealed, I was free to let go of my ill-conceived thought and forgiveness naturally followed.
I am learning that there are more roots that are unearthed in this process of forgiveness. What may seem surprising, is the fact that one by one they all lead back to me and my need to accept and forgive myself. After making the decision to give my "gift of terror" to God, I was overcome with the next root of fear... I didn't see it coming... If I didn't see it coming last time, how would I know that I would see it coming next time? The answer came swiftly- In the past, I only allowed myself to see the "good". I closed my eyes to the parts of life and people that I didn't want to see. Now, I am willing to look at the whole picture. I still see the good but my eyes are not shaded, I will see what is coming because my eyes are open to the all of life and people. I needn't fear the future because I now know how to look and accept what is real. I don't criticize myself for what I had not yet learned. I congratulate myself because I am learning. The door has opened and the Light has been turned on. I see...