Love Without Fear

I journal for only one person and that is myself. I write because it helps me process my thoughts and moves me toward a conclusion. This journal has been a perfect forum to express myself without fear or the need to "say it perfectly". I am unaware of who, if anyone, will read what I have to say. I record my journey so that I can go back from time to time to revisit what has helped me along the way. My journal entries are sign posts that direct me, especially at times when I feel as if I have lost my way.
My journal entry today is actually an e-mail that I sent to a dear friend to share something that I had learned after a few weeks of down time. I had been struggling with feelings of inadequacy and was having a lot of trouble righting my ship. The following words are those that I shared. I'm sure that my friend will not mind and I feel certain that I will need to hear them again.

On the way home tonight, I was listening to Over the Rhine and the words to one of their songs continues to play in my head- "I was born to laugh, I learned to laugh through my tears. I was born to love, I'm gonna learn to love without fear."
I was thinking about how fragile I have been in the last couple of weeks. I found myself guarding my heart because I was afraid... I didn't feel whole and I didn't feel "lovable" which led to me pulling back a bit for fear that I was "not enough". These are old patterns but I'm now so aware that the moment fear arises, I recognize it and know that it is mine alone. Under and through it all is the need to let go of any expectations that I put on myself to be "perfect". I can be nowhere other than where I am and I am slowly learning to give myself the unconditional acceptance that I want to give to others. We will only be as forgiving of others to the extent that we are able to forgive ourselves.
All of that said, I want you to know that I have never known unconditional acceptance before you and I believe that your entrance into my life is a wondrous sign that I am moving in the direction of "love without fear". The kind of love that we all not only want to receive but (maybe more importantly) the kind of love that we all want to give. A love so free that it flows without restraint... totally fearless Love.

I opened up Rilke's Book of Hours, Love Poems to God and read a few lines that led me to write to you tonight~
"God, give us each our own death, the dying that proceeds from each of our lives:
the way we loved, the meanings we made, our need...
For we are only the rind and the leaf.
The great death, that each of us carries inside, is the fruit.
Everything enfolds it."

Death as I understand it is not an end but rather it is a transformation. What "was" is transformed into something new. Our old beliefs (the meanings we made) and our old ways are changed into what is real and true as the rind falls away and reveals the fruit that Lives inside. We should not be surprised or dismayed when we see the rind that enfolds the fruit. We should be overjoyed because it signals the beginning of transformation. A transformation that sets our hearts free to Love without fear.

Note* The response that I received from that e-mail included the following quote from The Course in Miracles~
"The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite."

The Silent Space

"Through forgiveness, which essentially means recognizing the insubstantiality of the past and allowing the present moment to be as is, the miracle of transformation happens not only within but also without. A silent space of intense presence arises both in you and around you."~ Eckhart Tolle

Six years ago I went on a trip to Europe with a church group. We mainly spent time in Germany, Austria, and France. After our arrival in Austria, we traveled from place to place in a bus. This meant spending many hours riding along with the group often learning about the sites we were seeing as a tour guide shared their stories and wisdom of the countryside. Even though I listened intently with genuine interest to the narration by the various guides, my most vivid memories are of the things that I experienced first hand, those moments when I had an emotional response of wonder at what I was seeing. One such moment came as we rode along in France for several hours. At the time, our guide was silent and so were the passengers. We were all lost in our own thoughts and taking in the countryside as it rushed past the window. As we were passing a long stretch of farmland, we suddenly came upon mile after mile of sunflowers. They were all planted in perfect rows and in full bloom. These enormous sunflowers were all pointed at exactly the same angle as they reached their faces toward the sun. All of these perfectly beautiful flowers seemed to be looking, almost straining, to take in the rays of the sun. It was truly an awesome sight! Their actions were "thoughtless", it was pure consciousness that moved them in exactly the right direction at precisely the right time to receive the power of the Source of Life. They didn't worry about whether or not they were "getting it right"... they were just being.
I want to be like those sunflowers. Living fully in the present moment without regret of what happened in the past or what might have been; without fear of the future and what losses may come. I want to know the miracle of transformation that opens my heart like a beautiful sunflower that catches the rays of the Source and then shines its beauty back toward the Creator.
Today, I remember my silent space that is the fertile ground that arises both in me and around me~ that sacred place where I am surrounded by the warm presence of the Creator of All Life.

The Teachable Place

"The layers upon layers of God denial that encrust most souls in physical form cannot be removed all at once as in a surgical procedure. They require the gradual wearing away of resistance through experience...
Be patient, then, and allow yourselves to see the eroding of the layer upon layer of defense that exists in the human cycles. You will see that what is thought of as dire straits is an opportunity to learn. ~ Emmanuel's Book

I've been struggling lately. I have had headaches more days than not since I was 5 years old. Before the attack, I had reached a point where I rarely had a headache and believed that I had finally found the secret to wellness in this area. However, recently the crushing headaches have returned. And the long standing issues that I have with digestive woes are worse than ever. Even my old friends, the hives, have revisited recently. In other words, I feel like a mess. I have said before that I believe that our physical issues have an emotional connection. Well it is pretty obvious to me that my "stuff" is wreaking havoc on my body. I even recently lost my cool at work. I haven't felt that angry and frustrated with "everyday life" in a very long time. I must confess that I ended up feeling very disappointed in myself. I thought that I had learned what is really important. I thought that I had made more progress in this journey of Life. But even as I write these words, I realize how foolish they sound. If I had learned all that I came to learn, I wouldn't need to be here anymore. And so, once again, I am in the "teachable place". That vulnerable place that we visit with the sign on the door of our heart that says, "I'm ready to hear a new word. Yes, I am ready to learn."
No one escapes pain in this life. We have all reacted to that pain by building defenses- layers and layers of protection around our heart in hopes of avoiding more pain. For each of us, these layers served a purpose at one time or we wouldn't have developed them. However, over time these walls that once served us ultimately separate us from the very things that we want so desperately. The peace, joy and intimate connection that we are seeking is out of reach because our hearts are unavailable to receive them. The layers that encrust our hearts prevent us from experiencing the things that we want the most. It is only when we feel the discomfort of our walls that we allow them to crumble. They do not all fall down at once. They are worn away by our experiences of disappointment. Although it hurts to see that we are not where we want to be, it is at that very moment that we are moving toward that which we seek. We are in the process of transformation because we are letting go of our defenses and becoming more of who we truly are.
So, today, I will celebrate the awareness of my short-comings. If I had never seen them, I would not be able to let them go. I will thank the layers that protected me when I needed them and then I will say goodbye as they slowly crumble away.