I Believe

Today, my soul speaks through the words of a young german poet who penned them over 100 years ago...

"I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for

may for once spring clear
without my contriving.

If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,

streaming through widening channels
into the open sea."
~Rilke's Book of Hours, Love Poems to God by Rainer Maria Rilke

My Roaring Lion

"The labyrinth is thoroughly known. We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god. And where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves. Where we had thought to travel outward we will come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we will be with all the world." ~Joseph Campbell

"I want to unfold. Let no place in me hold itself closed, for where I am closed, I am false." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

Last night I was awakened from a dream by my own screams. In the dream, I was standing in the basement with Bill. He was silent and passive. I told him to go into the attic and find what I needed so that I could go. When he didn't respond, I raised my voice and emphatically told him to get me what I needed so that I could leave. Each I time I spoke it was with greater vehemence. I turned around for a moment and he disappeared. As I wondered if he went to the attic as I had instructed him to do, I looked again and he stood naked with a slight grin on his face. I then began to yell louder, always with the same request, "Go to the attic and get me what I need to go!" The next thing I knew, I was lying in bed next to Bill and he had his head buried in the pillow next to me. He was holding my wrists and I was unable to free myself from his grip. I began screaming for him to let me go and it was these screams that jolted me awake.

I have been struggling a lot recently with feelings of shame... a profound feeling of disappointment with myself. Everything feels so fresh again. It doesn't seem to matter that two and a half years have passed. At times, it may as well have happened yesterday. A couple of weeks ago, I learned of a letter that Bill had written very recently. The contents were regarding the divorce case but a statement was made that, once again, made it obvious that he feels no sense of remorse. I was crushed. I tried to be strong and logical about it but it broke my heart all over again.
As Bill held me down and methodically sprayed me with the acid, I asked him the same question over and over again. "Why do you want to kill me?!?" As I lay screaming in the driveway waiting for help to arrive, I was sure that Bill was inside committing suicide. I was certain that he was horrified at the torture and pain that he had caused me. It is beyond comprehension that this man that I thought that I knew could do such a thing and then feel nothing. Since that day, the question that reverberates within my heart and mind remains the same, "How could you?!?"
I have such a strong desire to put all of it behind me and be free. Feeling overwhelmed with emotions that I can't control leave me exhausted and frustrated with myself. Just the other day I realized that I am deeply angry. Anger is that one emotion that I do not allow myself the luxury of having... ever. Quite frankly, it scares me. I have not felt angry with God and I did not want to be angry at Bill. My goal from the beginning has been to find forgiveness and experience true heart freedom- no bitterness to tether me down. The only problem is that I can no longer deny the lion that rages within who roars, "HOW COULD YOU?!?"

As I lay shaking in my bed last night after waking from my dream, I knew immediately what it meant. The attic was my mind, the secret to what hindered my progress on the journey to freedom was hidden there. Bill led me to a new truth that I have not wanted to see. Becky can be very very angry. I cannot deny it any longer, it rages within me with roars to loud to ignore. I cannot close myself off to the parts of my shadow that I do not want to know. Every fragment of my being must be acknowledged. The lion will only lie down when he is heard. If I let any place in me hold itself closed, I am false. There will never be wholeness until every emotion, every feeling and every thought has been allowed its voice. And then, one day, the lion will lie down by the lamb of of the Divine love that resides there also and peace will reign within.

Big Brown Bear

"The heart is an unerring compass within each one of you. The heart knows the soul better than the mind does...
The only path that is right for you is the one that is already designed within you. To find this path you have to hear your own heart. There is simply no other way...
So listen to our heart. This is where your Light is and your truth." ~Emmanuel's Book I

"How about grieving it all one at a time."
~Thank U by Alanis Morissette

It has been more than 20 years since I had the dream of the Big Brown Bear. I have never really forgotten it, but I remembered it with new clarity the other day. In my dream, I am standing on a hill in a blizzard. I am wearing a long wool coat with a draping hood and scarf. I am dressed completely in black from head to toe. My coat and scarf are blowing in the wind and I stand alone. In time, I begin walking in the blinding snow and happen upon a big brown bear. He communicates with me without words but I know exactly what he is saying. He cannot make it to his destination alone and requests my help. This bear is enormous, at least 3 times my size and I am completely overwhelmed at the idea of carrying this huge animal over a great distance. His eyes are pleading and I know that this is something that I must do. It is not a question of if, it is only a question of how. And then I realize that there is only one way to help the bear. I will carry him in pieces and make the trek back and forth until all of the Big Brown Bear reaches his destination. When all of the parts have arrived safely, he will be whole and unharmed. And so, through the deep snow and the blinding blizzard I carried my friend one piece at a time and miraculously, at the journey's end, he is whole once again and we part ways.

A few days ago, I sifted through 13 years of memories as I went through the pictures and albums of my life with Bill. I always knew that one day I would face those snapshots of our life together but it has been something that I have dreaded and put off until now. It was time. However, I wasn't really ready for the emotions that it conjured up in me. Like the sadness and turmoil that I felt at seeing a man that was such an important part of my life who has become a total stranger. It is so confusing to have known someone so intimately and yet to realize that you never really knew them at all. I hear his words the last time that we spoke just days before the attack. "My love for you is limitless." and yet, not a shred of remorse for hurting me so deeply. He did not just devastate my body, he broke my heart. All of these thoughts have yet to find a place of rest within me.
But, it wasn't just the photos of Bill that were difficult. Seeing myself with a face unmarred and smooth skin on my neck and arms and legs... I have felt so profoundly sad again. I really hadn't felt this sad about the changes in my body for quite a while but the waves of grief washed over me once again and brought me low.
I went to bed with a heavy heart on Friday night but my first thought on Saturday morning was the Big Brown Bear. The message was clear- grieve it one piece at a time. And, as much as I don't won't to believe it, it may take a lifetime. I can only take each part as it comes and acknowledge its truth. And then I remembered that I can trust the compass of my heart to lead me safely home and at the journey's end, I will surely be whole.

The Icarus Message

"I tell you, I am in every flower, every rainbow, every star in the heavens, and everything in and on every planet rotating around every star.
I am the whisper of the wind, the warmth of your sun, the incredible individuality and the extraordinary perfection of every snowflake.
I am the majesty in the soaring flight of eagles, and the innocence of the doe in the field; the courage of lions, the wisdom of the ancient ones."
~ Meditations from Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch

"Die to the past every moment. You don't need it. Only refer to it when it is absolutely relevant to the present. Feel the power of this moment and the fullness of being. Feel your presence." ~ Eckhart Tolle

I went to the Social Security Administration office on Monday and waited in line to officially change my name back to Becky Spellman. It felt as if I had made a definitive step in my quest to regain my life. I am a nurse and hear my name paged and sign my name as Becky Slabaugh several times a day. Just saying "Becky Spellman" sounds a bit foreign and yet perfectly "right" to me.
However, as things go, the divorce has reached finality but the next important issue to face has risen to the surface. I received a call from my civil attorney yesterday informing me that the insurance company plans to seek subrogation of all of the funds in reimbursement of the medical bills that they have paid. Just to clarify, apparently insurance companies have the legal right to seek reimbursement of claims they have paid if there is a party that is held responsible for the injuries and subsequent debt. What this means to me is that the relatively small amount that was awarded to me in the divorce (which the hospital also wants due to unpaid medical claims) sits in the balance while everyone fights to take it. In the middle of all of this upheaval is Becky Spellman. I'm not going to kid you, I have felt shaken. That familiar sensation of a heavy weight on my chest and shoulders has returned. Fear has a grip on me right now. Fear and I have become quite acquainted in the last couple of years. I recognize its power to reduce me to tears and drain me of energy and strength. Fear is a formidable foe but I am an overcomer and I am also well acquainted with the I Am that lives within and thus I know Who wins every battle.

Last Friday, I went shopping with my mom and sister to a local gallery, Don Drumm's. If anyone isn't familiar, Don Drumm does beautiful sculpture using aluminum. He often portrays the sun with detailed expressions. I have loved his work for many years and always knew that one day I would purchase a piece for my home but had never found the "right" one. Before we even walked inside, I looked on the walls outside the gallery that are covered with many of his sculptures and immediately saw "Icarus". At the top of the sculpture is a large sun with it's eyes gazing upward toward the heavens. The rays of sunlight extend down and gracefully shower a woman with outstretched hands who appears to be soaring toward the sun with giant wings. It took my breath away! When I went inside, I immediately asked the clerk the cost of the sculpture and when I showed her my choice, she said, "Oh that's Icarus- she flew too close too the sun!" I remembered that nearly twenty years ago someone once commented that I was like Icarus and flew too close too the sun and decided that I had found the perfect sculpture at just the right time to celebrate my new life. It will hang above my fireplace and greet me every day.

I felt so "under it all" last night and decided to do a bit of research on Icarus and hopefully find a message of encouragement. I went on the internet and read about the story of Icarus. As you may know it was the story of a father and son who fashioned wings of feathers, string and wax in order to escape a city. The father told Icarus not to fly too low nor to close to the sun. Icarus became so overwhelmed and excited about the freedom of flight that he forgot the warning of his father and flew straight toward the sun. Of course, the heat became too much for the wax and the wings fell off and Icarus plunged into the waters beneath him.

Now, I looked for a message of truth and hope since I bought this "Icarus" for my home. I was drawn to it the moment that I saw it but the story of Icarus didn't really ring any bells of truth for me. It wasn't until this morning that I "saw" why I was so drawn to it. I awakened after a restless night and, as I first opened my eyes, l looked straight at the picture that hangs next to my bed that my son, Jeremy, painted for me. Months after the attack, as we talked on the phone one night he painted a picture portraying me with giant wings. The expression on my face is one of peace. Behind me is a large glowing sun and beneath me are piles of rubble. That painting has often inspired me because I seem to float effortlessly above the wreckage in my life. My wings are huge and the Sun's Light shines brightly behind me. The mess beneath me has no power, no reality. The truth of who I Am is the only truth that matters. That is my Icarus. The wings of my soul have been strengthened by the flames, not weakened. Rays of Love shine on me even when I have moments of awareness of the rubble of life. I have learned that you can't fly too close to the warmth of the Sun.