Stillness Speaks

"When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself... Your innermost sense of self, of who you are, is inseparable from stillness. This is the I AM that is deeper than name and form." ~~ Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle

I have spent the majority of my life lost in thought. A counselor once commented that I was very cerebral. I thought that if I could only understand people, problems or even myself I could figure out how to make my life work. I read a lot and talked a lot but mostly I thought a lot. It took a very long time for me to realize that the noise in my head wasn't solving my problems. Once I finally realized that, I began the journey within.

It doesn't really matter what takes you into stillness, only that you find it. The beginning for me was learning yoga. It quieted my mind and I began to listen to my body. I found that learning awareness when it came to my body slowly began to transcend the physical as the voice of my heart began to softly break through. I learned to listen to the sound of my breath as I moved and held postures. Surprisingly, something as simple as listening to the breath can have the profound effect of bringing me into the present moment, the Now, where God resides. In those still moments I find that there is peace that passes all understanding and the answers that I had so desperately sought now quietly reveal themselves. Stillness speaks and I am learning to listen.

Befriending Pain

"Allow suffering to force you into the present moment, into a state of intense conscious presence. Use it for enlightenment. Surrender does not transform what is, at least not directly. Surrender transforms you."~~ The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

I had known excruciating pain... pain beyond comprehension. After six weeks, I had lost my brave face. I was so tired of hurting and it seemed that everything hurt. My wounds hurt... the dressing changes hurt... the daily bloodwork... the daily change of my IV site... the antibiotics burned my veins... even the pain medication hurt as it was pushed through my veins. Everything hurt! And, I was tired... so tired of hurting.
I remember the night that I lay in my bed and my nurse came in to give me my IV antibiotic. I was flat on my back as I had spent the majority of the last month and a half. As she leaned over me she said, "Long term pain changes you." She began to recount a time when she had spent months in pain after a surgery. She described how isolating and frustrating it was to spend every moment in pain. Tears began to trickle out of the corners of my eyes and drip onto the bed. Someone understood.

Several months after the attack, the physical pain began to slowly recede. However, it seemed to be replaced in direct proportion with the intense pain of my broken heart. I couldn't escape it no matter how hard that I tried. And believe me, I tried! Pain had become my constant companion and I had no choice but to listen to her intense pleas. On my birthday, Jeremy and Carey had given me a CD set by Eckhart Tolle called "Dealing with the Pain Body." As I listened to his words, the light began to dawn. The words, "Gently embrace what is." broke through my darkness and made sense to me. I had been a massage therapist for years and knew that full conscious attention brought relief to my clients. I had, in fact, learned to instruct them to go to the place of pain with me. As we focused on the source of pain it would slowly give way.

I realized at that moment that resistance to pain only feeds it. Gently embracing pain... feeling it... patiently listening to it is all that is required. I had spent my life avoiding pain, not listening to what it wanted to teach me. Now, pain has become my friend. I listen to her and embrace what she has to say. I surrender and I learn...

I AM

"You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level."~~ Stillness Speaks by Eckart Tolle

I woke this morning singing, "I am, I said. I am, said I" by Neil Diamond. I didn't really remember the rest of the lyrics but the message to me was strong and brought me peace.

The past week had been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Reading the story of the events of the past year as a cohesive whole brought up so many emotions. I had the sense that my life shattered into a thousand pieces like some jigsaw puzzle on the day of the attack. Nothing made sense as I had known it. No matter how much I wanted to "get to the other side" it was a process that would take a lot of time and attention. Inspecting the pieces and seeing how they fit together. Slowly sharing the story over a period of 6 months gave me the opportunity to look at many pieces that I wanted to avoid at first glance. Seeing the pictures, reading the police report, talking with the neighbors that came to my aid. All pieces that ever so slowly began to fit together and form a new picture of "Life" for me.
Now, I have gained a very solid sense of who I AM at the deepest level. I no longer trust anyone else's judgment of who I AM. I am neither diminished by disapproval nor am I enhanced by the approval of another. I am always and forever, Becky.

Loving the Whole

"Being human and ordinary, we will often fail to love the whole, the dark and difficult parts. We will always try to avoid something. We will tremble. We will be blind. We will be uncertain. We will continue to hurt one another and miss the essential. We will always need mercy and compassion." ~~ Gunilla Norris

"With time my healing journey takes me into deeper waters asking me to learn compassion for the darkest parts of myself; my false mask that I use to hide my true self; my core wound that keeps me stuck in self-destructive behaviors; my secret shadow parts that I am ashamed to admit even to myself. Slowly, like the gentle blossoming of a flower, I find compassion for my deepest suffering."~~ Circle of Compassion by Gail Straub

I am finding the courage to see my deepest fears. I have been a pleaser and a peace maker so criticism was painfully difficult. I just wanted everyone to be happy with me and with each other. The crazy illusion that it is possible to keep everyone "happy" has caused me so much suffering. Letting go of my illusions has been incredibly painful. Once I truly saw the source of my pain, letting go was the only option. Thankfully, compassion allowed me to be gentle with myself. That same gentle compassion began to heal those dark places that I feared and allowed me to see that underneath it all was the strength, joy and love that I had been looking for all of the time.

About Forgiveness...

"The moment that I let go of it, is the moment I got more than I could handle. The moment that I jumped off of it, is the moment that I touched down."~~ Thank U by Alanis Morissette

Some have told me, "You must forgive him." Others have said, "He doesn't deserve your forgiveness. This is unforgivable!"
For me, forgiveness is the only true option. In the 3 times that I have seen Bill since the attack he has always been in shackles. Heavy chains around his waist that are hooked to his arms and his legs. The proud and youthful man that I knew now stands hunched over looking as if the weight of the world lies on his shoulders. That is what hate does to you. It imprisons you and holds you. I am not immune to that any more than anyone else. I have set my mind and heart on freedom. One day the last link of the chains of anger that currently remain on this shattered heart of mine will fall away. I will be free to soar again. Every day another link or 2 fall away. I'm on my way...

Trust and Love Extravagantly

"Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."~~ I Corinthians 13:13

"Trust the love that flows through you. Trust the truth that lives within you. Trust the process of Life Itself that is you. It will bring to you the exact way, the perfect conditions and just the right moments to allow you to become the message you wish to send."~~ Tomorrow's God by Neale Donald Walsch

I am learning to trust the voice of God that speaks softly but clearly within. It's purpose is always the creation and expansion of love. Not the mushy soft kind. No, it is always strong and true and always flows in a circle. What you give out will always return.

I am truly overwhelmed at the extravagant love that so many have shared with me recently. I am so blessed and trust that I will, in turn, give that same love back to others.

Words of Encouragement

"God speaks to each of us as he makes us, then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall, go to the limits of your longing. Embody me.
Flare up like flame and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final. Don't let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life. You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand." ~~
Beautiful words from Rilke's Book of Hours. Love Poems to God by Ranier Maria Rilke

I have so often felt alone. I am surrounded by people that love me but isolated by the incredible pain of a shattered heart. I have found myself wondering who could understand the mix of terror, rage and profound sadness that envelopes me? They wash over me like a tidal wave and toss me about with no way to touch solid ground.
However, no feeling is final and the waves of grief recede and a ray of light breaks through the dark clouds and I find that I was never really alone because God can never leave me.
I just keep going.

It's a Wonderful Life!

"Gratitude is the fastest form of healing. What you resist, persists. What you are grateful for can then serve you, as it was meant to do." I have sent you nothing but angels... I have given you nothing but miracles." --- God ~~ Friendship with God by Neale Donald Walsch

When I opened my journal to begin recording my journey after my release from the hospital there were 3 entries all written in 2000. This particular entry was written on Jan. 19, 2000. It still rings true... louder and truer than ever.

Today I express my deepest and sincere gratitude for the many wonderful people who have supported me in the last year. I am truly overwhelmed with the goodness and love of people. My angels and miracles have been in the form of compassionate and loving people that have been there every step of the way.

Thank you to the friends that I know and to the friends I have never met. Your prayers and messages of hope mean so much.

A Beginning

"In total acceptance, almost anything can be a revelation." ~~ Frederick Sommer

Although my goal is total acceptance, I am thankful that even a small level of acceptance yields revelation. I continue to see wonder and beauty in all circumstances as I let go of trying to hold onto former perceptions that no longer serve me.

It seems only appropriate to begin openly sharing my journey on the one year anniversary of an event that has changed my life. Anyone that spends much time with me would agree that I am rarely at a loss for words. I have certainly not been silent with those who know me about my thoughts and feelings as I process what has happened. However, sharing outside of my inner circle of friends and family begins today. I hope to share what I am learning and what inspires me in the hope that it may also touch others.